


Double-Bar Daxam

by Alsike



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Alternate Universe - Western, Cowboy Romance Novel AU, Cowboys & Cowgirls, Disabled Character, F/F, Horses, I Don't Even Know, Minor Kara Danvers/Mon-El, Road Trips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2019-08-06 10:47:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 34,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16386449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alsike/pseuds/Alsike
Summary: Alex Danvers prides herself on being a good ranch manager for Double-Bar Daxam, even if it means working for the Garland family--Rhea and Mon-El a.k.a. Mike. But being a ranch manager is not supposed to involve chauffeuring Mike's new fiancée all around the ranch for six days, to keep her away from her parents who are less than thrilled about the engagement. Too bad she doesn't have a choice.But New York heiress Kara Zor-El is nothing like she expected.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You might have wondered--Alsike was doing so well with Kalex Week! What happened?
> 
> Well, this happened.
> 
> I was like, oh, I have an idea for a road trip story! This will be fun! I'll just write a short snatch, no need to make it a big thing.
> 
> 30k later . . .
> 
> :cries:
> 
> So, welcome to the batshit randomass Cowboy AU that was clearly inspired by too many BookBubs for ANOTHER straight-person cowboy romance novel with the Alpha Male and the stubborn young woman, like a filly. It is also definitely inspired by this pic from the show:  
> http://thecrackshiplollipop.tumblr.com/post/177179884052/murdershegoat-murdershegoat-this-photo-looks
> 
> Because I was like, yes yes, nice plot, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE AU where Alex is a cowboy and Kara is not just a wealthy heiress but also BLIND. And then I remembered one of my fave Mavis Applewater fics, called 'Road Trip' and stole the premise entirely. Then I wrote a thing.
> 
> I had someone beta it for horse stuff, but I didn't have someone check it for disability stuff, so if I have Fucked Up just let me know and I will edit like a fiend.
> 
> Here is chapter 1.

Fact was, Alex Danvers thought, Double-Bar Daxam was the prettiest ranch she'd ever saw. The mountains were so blue, and the pines on the riverbank were such pretty shapes, and even the high desert, with its stretch of red gold dirt and handsome-cut cliffs, was a place she thought she could stay forever. Who needed other people? Towns and cities were ugly in comparison. And who needed a road when you had a horse? Alex loved Double-Bar Daxam with the best part of her.

The owners of Double-Bar Daxam though, Alex could take or leave them.

"I think you may have forgot, Ma'am, but I'm your ranch manager, not your chauffeur."

Rhea Garland glowered at Alex from her rather small stature, but Alex stood firm, her hat politely in her hands, but getting slightly crushed from the force of her grip. She was not interested in being saddled with some city girl for nigh-on a week, no matter how clear it was that the Garland family thought that paying her wages meant they owned her ass.

"Come on, Alex." Mon-El--more commonly known as Mike, as the traditional family name embarrassed him--was unfortunately, her contemporary in years, so he thought they were friends. He slapped her shoulder. "Do a man a favor. I'm getting _married_."

Alex had no idea why Mike's getting married required her to act as a get-away driver for his fiancée, for a _week_. But she was pretty certain it was a scheme that would backfire in his face.

"And it means you don't have to help with any of the wedding preparations," Mike added with a grin. "You won't have to pin up a single rose. You get to spend a week doing what you love to do anyway, hanging around out on the ranch, ignoring humanity, checking on your favorite cows. I’ll even give you the key to the North Cabin. You'll just have company. And anyway, Kara's great. You'll love her."

Alex snorted. The heiress that Mike was marrying was not going to be anyone Alex _loved._

"You do this or you're fired," Rhea said.

Alex could always count on Rhea to give it to her straight. Some day, they'd push her too far and she'd line up another job and leave them the hell behind, but until then, she'd put up with this nonsense. It wasn't like she could leave while Sarabeth was pregnant anyway.

"Very well," Alex said. She clapped her hat on her head and gave a slight nod, tugging at the rim. "Guess I'm playing chauffeur."

From what Alex had gathered, in spite of having no patience for ranch gossip and trying to avoid the mess at all costs, Mike Garland had done well for himself in New York. He'd been on the prowl for investors for the Double-Bar Daxam Ranch, and though that hadn't gone too well, he'd apparently made nice with the ladies. Instead of an investor, he'd found a wife--not just any wife, an heiress, from the rather famous Zor-El family, who’d made their money on the railroad, and had held onto it every since.

Alex didn't know anything about this girl, though Alex presumed she had to be pretty dumb to think Mike was marriage material. He'd never worked a day in his life, and though he played up the urban cowboy aesthetic, he was scared of horses--not that he'd ever admit it. At least, from what Alex had heard--she was not about to try for herself--he wasn't a bad shag.

To be fair, it wasn't like Double-Bar Daxam was a great investment risk. Before old Mr. Garland had died--people suspected that Rhea had poisoned him, but there was no real evidence--he'd made a lot of bad investments. Grapes--not in this soil. Ostriches--no market. Bison--trampled his fences and stampeded off a cliff. Though Alex thought they _probably_ should be pulling in more money than they were, Rhea did the accounting, and did not like to share with Alex the disposition of the family’s Personal Expenditures. In the end, it didn’t matter. They were in debt. Rescuing it from the hole of debt meant Mike either needed to get a job or convince an investor that he knew what he was doing enough to get some funding. And neither of those were really in his wheelhouse. The Zor-Els would have been a perfect target to pitch for investment, except Mr. and Mrs. Zor-El were no fools. They could spot a bad deal from a mile away. So, he had plied his charms on the daughter, who had a trust fund big enough to keep Double-Bar Daxam in the black for a couple of years at least, and apparently a good enough relationship with her parents that she could probably lean on them for cash once they burnt through her trust. The daughter had fallen for it. The parents hadn't.

There was no way Mr. and Mrs. Zor-El were going to let their daughter marry a mountebank like Mike if they could stop her, and that was where Alex came in.

Apparently, Kara Zor-El informing her parents she was engaged to Mike Garland sparked a family wide fight, and she'd called up Mike telling him that she needed to get out of her family's penthouse and go somewhere they couldn't find her. Coming to the ranch not the ideal solution. Obviously her parents would check here first. But Mike had come up with an extra wrinkle, if Kara wasn't at the main house and instead was touring the back end of the ranch with Alex, she would be out of reach. Her parents couldn't track her down and convince her not to marry Mike.

That meant Alex had to keep a city girl away from the main house and off the beaten path for six days.

It sounded like hell.

#

Alex drove the ranch pick-up out to the airport. It was a small airport on a small airfield, and the flights that came in were not densely populated. It shouldn't be hard to find the New York City heiress in rural Oregon. Alex pulled up outside the building and climbed out of the truck, fixing the rolled-up sleeves of her plaid shirt and hiking up her jeans.

Most people were families, bustling on their way home from or out to vacations, managing luggage and yelling at stray children. In the center of the sidewalk outside of the concourse building was obviously her charge. A young blonde woman in sunglasses, framed by three huge houndstooth suitcases, with a silk blouse and Armani scarf stood petulantly, arms crossed, head tilted, chin stubborn.

Alex did her best not to groan.

"Hey," she said, walking up in front of her. The girl gave a full body flinch, and then seemed to look around. She didn't look at Alex though, looked past her, still stubbornly gritting her teeth. "Um, are you Kara?"

"Who are you?" the girl asked, still not looking at her. "You're not Michael."

 _Michael_? Alex bit back a laugh. "No. I'm Alex, the ranch manager at Double-Bar Daxam. Mike sent me to pick you up."

"Oh." The girl's lips twisted. "He didn't come to pick me up himself?"

She didn't sound hurt, but it _was_ kind of douchey for Mike to not meet his own fiancée at the airport. "Yeah, he had a meeting." It was a lie, but a vague lie. He might have had a meeting. "He'll see you when we get there."

"Fine," the girl said. "Let's go."

Alex grimaced at the blunt dismissal. Even the Garlands didn't treat Alex this much like a servant. She was terrible _._ Alex wouldn't wish someone this stuck-up and domineering even on Mike. "Sure, this way."

She headed towards her truck.

" _Excuse me_."

Alex stopped.

"My bags?"

Christ.

Alex grumbled to herself as she headed back to grab two of the giant suitcases. Kara made no move to assist.

"I don't have three hands," Alex snapped.

Kara stiffened, but didn't otherwise move.

"Grab the last one?" Alex suggested, grouchily.

Kara's jaw flexed and she held out her hand. Ugh. Alex shoved the handle of the heaviest suitcase into her hand and scooped up the third herself. She strode toward the truck. Behind her, she heard a clack. She glanced back.

Kara had been holding something that Alex had thought was a glasses case or a clutch purse. With a flick of her wrist, she'd shaken it out into a white stick. Lugging the heaviest suitcase, and moving the stick--no, _cane_ \--with an easy swish in front of her, Kara started towards the doors at a fast clip.

Fuck.

The cane was about to clip Alex's leg and she hurried ahead.

Why hadn't that asshole Mike _mentioned_ that his fiancée was blind?

#

Alex hauled the suitcases up and threw them into the back of the pickup. She started for the door to open it for the heiress, but just as her hand closed on it, the cane poked her right in the chest. Alex froze.

" _Don't_ ," Kara said, flatly. "Give me the keys."

"What?"

"I feel like driving."

" . . . Are you serious?"

Kara shrugged, chin tilted up. She pushed her sunglasses up onto her head and blinked at Alex. Her focus wasn't quite on Alex though, her gaze leaning slightly to one side. "I'm not legally blind yet. I feel like driving."

"You don't know the way."

"Direct me." Kara smiled, fierce, _daring_ Alex to tell her no.

This was stupid. This girl was _blind_ , she couldn't _drive_. It had to be a bluff.

"Fine." Alex dropped the keys into her outstretched hand. "Drive."

"Great."

Kara kept her hand on the outside of the truck as she walked around it to the driver's side. She opened the door and swung up, easily, putting on her seatbelt and finding the key-hole with her fingers, then slotting it in and starting the truck with a loud rumble. Hurriedly, Alex climbed in so she didn't just drive off without her. Kara laughed at the sound the truck made.

"This is a ranch truck, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Alex said, clipping her own seatbelt in and wishing there were airbags. "I think it's an '85."

"How many gears?" she asked, her hand on the shift.

"Five?"

Without checking her mirrors or using her blinker, Kara shifted into first gear and pulled out into the airport loop and hit the accelerator, shifting with smooth strokes 2-3-4 into 5th. Alex yelped, and they sped down the road.

"Left here!" Alex shouted. Kara, not slowing down an ounce, veered around the corner. "Right here! Straight!"

Alex's heart was in her throat the whole time. They made it back to the ranch 15 minutes faster than Alex ever had, pulling onto the bumpy dirt drive, and screeching up to the main house in a cloud of dust.

Alex was out as soon as Kara pulled the emergency break, and blessed the ground, gasping for air. Kara swung easily out of the truck, laughing at her.

"What, you don't like my driving?"

For a moment, Alex was struck by how she looked when she was laughing. She seemed like a totally different person than the stuck-up princess she’d picked up at the airport.

"No!” Alex retorted. “But you're obviously not blind, so it has nothing to do with that!"

Kara stiffened. The laughter had made her face open up, but at that, it closed down hard.

Unexpectedly, Alex's chest lurched. She'd said the wrong thing.

"Kara! Babe!" Mike hurried across the dirt yard and cupped her cheek. "I missed you."

"Michael," Kara's voice was warm, and Alex looked away as they smooched for an excessively long period of time. She felt more than her usual grouchiness rise in her. Mike was a douche, and he'd gotten that brittle arrogant crazy girl to like him? He had to be lying every other word.

"Did you have a good flight, a good drive? Alex is my mate, so I knew she'd take good care of you, drive safe and all."

"Oh, yeah. The drive was fine."

Alex looked over, confused. She'd made such a point of driving herself, and she didn't tell him?

"So, I've come up with a super plan. While I get everything ready for our _wedding_ \--" Mike kissed the back of her hand and Kara dipped her head, her hair falling over her face, a soft laugh of pleasure making her brittleness fade. "--you get to tour the ranch, with Alex here. She'll make sure you're well looked after. And don't worry, we've got cabins all over, but no cell-service I'm afraid, so we'll have to love each other up enough tonight to carry you through the week."

"Touring the ranch? For a whole week?" Kara asked. There was a flicker of tension in her that was almost a glance back at Alex, and Alex was sure that she was being judged. But she was too busy trying not to be ill at the saccharine tone Mike had said 'love each other up' in.

"Just to keep you off the beaten track. You'll love it. Well, Alex loves it, and I'm sure she'll show you the best bits." Mike cupped her arm and squeezed it, looking caring, he touched her cheek just to the side of her eye. "How are you doing? Any changes?"

Kara shook her head, but her mouth was tight in the way it had been after she'd said the drive was fine. Alex was pretty good at poker, and that looked like a tell that she was lying.

"That's great, babe. I'm sure the doctors will sort it all out."

"I've never been on a real ranch before," Kara said, blatantly changing the subject. "I've _also_ never seen your room."

Mike's grin was as wide as his face.

Alex stared after them as they disappeared and shrugged deeper into her plaid. She'd been sure Kara Zor-El had to be as dumb as a rail to fall for Mike's bullshit. But now she was starting to wonder just what this girl really wanted from 'her _Michael_.'

#


	2. Chapter 2

Morning dawned bright and clear and Alex rose with the sun, pleased that she'd probably have a few hours before the heiress got out of bed and started making her life miserable. If she were on her own she'd have left at dawn, so she could get to the herd in the far eastern fields in a day's ride, but as they needed to kill six days, they'd take the leisurely route to check the fences on the south end of Double-Bar Daxam. She'd left most of her main-house jobs with Vaz, her deputy, and this would be a good test to check and see if her people could deal with things while she was gone.

To her surprise and distress, Kara was out in the stableyard, sitting on a mat on a clear-swept patch of ground, crosslegged like she was doing yoga or some nonsense and gazing, eyes closed, at the sun.

"You're up already?"

Kara flinched momentarily, and didn't open her eyes. She seemed to recognize Alex's voice though, and responded. "My head-start on my parents is running out, and they don't fly commercial. I think it's time to start that tour."

"Right," Alex said, uncomfortably. "I wasn't going to take the truck, and even if I did there's no way in hell I'd let you drive again. But I don't know. How do you feel about horses?"

Kara's chin went stubborn, even as her clear blue eyes stared a good three yards right of Alex's shoulder. "You're asking how much  _ accommodation _ I need."

" _ No _ ," Alex snapped. "I'm asking if you like horses. Horses don't give a fuck if you're blind or not. They can see on their own--unlike the ranch truck. I'll yell if there's a branch and you duck, but otherwise I don't see why the fuck you can't ride. And whatever issues you've got, you managed to not kill us both in the truck, so I'm gonna trust you can measure your own capacity and give me a heads-up if you don't feel safe."

Kara's lips parted, and words seemed to have escaped her. Then she tipped her head and the corner of her mouth quirked up. "I like horses," she said finally.

"Good." Alex rolled her eyes and stuck her hands on her hips. "Grab your rucksack and meet me in half an hour. I want to set out before the sun gets too high. It might be October but riding in the sun still dries you out at midday in the high desert."

Kara was fifteen minutes late to the rendezvous, and then of course she showed up with her largest suitcase and a shirtless and amorous Mike in tow. At least she was dressed semi-appropriately. Jeans--skinny jeans, unfortunately, and the checked shirt with a green bandana around her neck like she was putting her hat in the ring for Miss Midwest made Alex choke down a snort. She had nice boots though, real leather and up to her knees, no zippers on the inside--English riding boots, Alex realized, and not new. Maybe she did like horses.

Alex hooked her thumbs through her belt-loops and glared impotently as Mike planted kisses all over Kara's face. "You have no idea how much I love you, babe. I'm so excited about getting married. My mates think I've been hit on the head. You're the  _ best _ girl." He squeezed her ass, and Kara laughed into his kiss and chucked him lightly under his chin.

"You're the best boy," she said in return. "I already love it here. I can't wait to be married to you." She stroked down his neck beside his ear, and Alex had to look away before it turned her stomach. "You take such good care of me."

"That's my line," Mike sleazed back, and Alex grimaced. He had 'great blow-job morning' written all over him. But also, Kara just didn't make sense. She'd gotten so pissed at Alex over thinking she was being 'accommodated,' but she  _ liked _ Mike taking care of her? Maybe she only had pride around women. What the fuck ever.

Finally, Kara made noises about needing to leave, and Mike came over to Alex. He slapped her shoulder and gave her the most serious look his congenitally absurd face could manage. "Hey, you'll look after her right? Guess you got it that she needs a little help. She's so sweet, she won't complain if something’s too hard, so you've gotta keep an eye on her. And -- be nice, Alex. Smile sometimes."

Alex was most definitely not in the mood to smile, but she forced one onto her face. "Sure, I've got it. She'll be safe with me."

"Brilliant!" Mike gave her another shoulder-slap. "You two will get on swimmingly, I'm sure. I'll miss you so much, baby." He gave Kara another tongue-kiss, and then finally took his skinny chest away.

Alex looked at Kara, Kara stood stiffly, not offering any signs she was open to any suggestions Alex might make.

"There is no fucking way you're bringing that suitcase," Alex said flatly.

Kara's shoulders went from stiff to squared-up, and Alex almost smiled. "You expect me to  _ rough _ it?"

"I expect you to not injure my horses with your overpacking." Alex strode over to the suitcase and unzipped it.

" _ Your _ horses? This is going to be my ranch in six days. They're going to be  _ my _ horses."

Alex snorted. "Sure, and if you treat them like crap none of us will have any horses, come on. Seriously?" She threw out a velveteen jumper, and two pairs of fashionable boots, and groaned audibly. She grabbed an extra rucksack out of the tack room and started loading in jeans and plain shirts and underwear. And then she grabbed a small bag that rattled. She paused and unzipped it. Inside was orange, the 160 square inch zipper-bag stuffed full of pill bottles. She froze.

"Stop touching my stuff!" Kara snapped and grabbed the bag out of her hands. She stuffed it into the rucksack.

"Maybe you could have packed for a week of fence-mending rather than a fortnight in the Riviera."

"Maybe you could've told your  _ boss _ what I needed instead of just assuming I was psychic."

Alex paused. Had Mike packed for her? She shook it off. "You're good now," Alex said. "I'll text Vaz to make her get the rest of your stuff back to your room. But we've got to get going."

Kara's face was grumpy, but she didn't fight, just swung the rucksack up on her shoulder, and waited where Alex told her to as Alex went to bring out the horses.

Alex's horse was a big old palomino named Argo. He'd been irascible when he was young, but he'd matured into an alert careful horse, excellent at herding.

Kara's boots had made Alex think a bit, and she picked out Bayard for her, a gelding who'd had a bit of an odd upbringing, trained out east before ending up at the ranch as one of old Mr. Garland's off-beat purchases. He was a good horse and good friends with Argo, and though he had a bit of an independent streak, he always looked after his rider.

"Kara, meet Bayard."

"Oh," said Kara softly, as Alex gently pushed her hand to the gelding's warm flank. She slipped a sugar cube into Kara's other hand, and nodded to herself as Kara automatically stretched her hand out flat, offering the cube to the horse, and smiling as his whiskered lips grabbed it from her palm.

Unexpectedly Alex found herself also smiling, her hand in the center of Kara's back. She did like horses.

"You need help getting up?" Alex asked.

Kara didn't flinch at the idea she might need help this time. "Just show me how these stirrup leathers fasten."

“I like to use the block or a fence or something instead. The horse’s back will thank you for it.”

“Oh, okay.”

The mounting block was right there, and Alex stepped back. Kara’s chin set stubbornly, and she took the long rein and climbed the steps, testing each riser before she moved onto it. She shuffled over to the edge and reached out, catching the horn on Bayard’s saddle. The touch seemed to reassure her.

“Right,” Alex said, “You’ve got it. Just swing your leg over. No problem if you’re as flexible as you seemed this morning.”

As if it was nothing, Kara climbed onto Bayard’s back and settled herself into the saddle. She grinned. "I'm  _ very _ flexible," she said.

Alex's face felt suddenly hot. 

Kara had found the stirrups with her boots and was testing them, frowning. “They seem low.”

Alex went and checked. “They should be good for someone as long-legged as you,” she said. “Western style, right?”

Kara shifted her weight, settling in differently, stretching into the stirrups. She nodded, and then smiled. “Right,” she said. “Western style.”

All of her brittleness was gone for the moment. She looked happy.

Alex felt that she’d finally said something right.

She had the prettiest smile.

#

After Alex had packed up all the supplies, tying their rucksacks on the backs of the saddles, and gotten them out of the gate, she let them ride a while in silence. But her brain was spinning the whole time. She'd figured this was going to be a hellish experience, and had planned to glare at the heiress if she whined and tell her to look at the view, since it was gonna be her ranch in six days. But Kara being . . . Kara had put a wrench in her plans.

"So," Alex took a stab at being friendly. She hadn't really tried being friendly before. "The plan is to work our way around the outskirts of the ranch. Figure it's a good as time as any to check the fences, and we'll look in on the herds where they are now, in their fall range. My favorite cow is there, Sarabeth. She's pregnant, first time, so I've gotta check up on her."

"Your favorite cow?" Kara snorted loudly, and Alex stiffened.

"Yes," Alex replied, flatly. "I raised her from a calf. She's my favorite. Don't suppose you've ever taken care of anything since it was born."

Kara was silent for a while, clearly hearing the  _ fuck you _ behind the words. "No," she said. "I haven't."

They rode in silence for another long ways. So much for being friendly.

"How did you start working here?" Kara asked, sounding curious, but a little arch. "Have you always worked for Mike's family? Was your dad a ranch manager too? I mean, surely he was. How  _ would _ someone become a ranch manager if you're not born into it."

"I wasn't born into it," Alex said. She didn't say anything else. She didn't like that story. It wasn't any of Miss Zor-El's business either.

Silence fell again. Alex kept an eye out for coyote tracks.

It wasn't getting warm. Chilly October weather wasn't really the easiest time for a camping trip. She hoped she'd remembered to stuff a jacket inside Kara's rucksack, not that any of the jackets she'd had were warm at all. She’d left an extra heavy quilted one at the cabin out by the herd, she thought. Hopefully they’d get there before the weather turned really bitter.

Eventually, Alex noticed that Kara was squinting and then turning her head quickly. She watched for a while and then frowned, glancing in the direction she was kind of squinting at. The blue mountains cut across the sky over there.

"You can see the mountains?" Alex asked, without thinking.

Kara froze, stopping the quick head shifts. "Of course," she snapped. Then a tiredness went through her body, and she shook her head. "Kind of." She sagged further. "I was trying to figure out if they were mountains or clouds."

Alex chewed on the inside of her lip for a moment. "Mountains," she said, unhelpfully. "Those are the blue mountains over there."

Kara nodded. "I heard they were out here. Saw some pictures once. Always wanted to come see them." She set her teeth, looking away from Alex. What she said after that wasn't for Alex's ears, but she heard anyway. " _ Too fucking late _ ."

"What can you see?" Alex asked. "Are things just blurry, or-- I mean, I don't want to be nosy, but I'm not used to playing tour guide as it is, and I guess I don't know what you might want me to point out."

Kara frowned hard. She clearly didn't want to talk about it, but she spoke anyway. "It's mostly what's in front of me that's hard to see. Dark spots, blurriness. I'm  _ not _ legally blind. I was still 20/150 when I left New York. And I can see okay in my peripheral vision." She huffed out a half-laugh. "I like going fast. Something about it, seeing the things around me move, tracking them through time, makes me feel like I almost have a full field of vision again."

"Okay," Alex said, considering this. "Then let's go fast."

Kara looked startled. "You-- you think I can?"

Alex shrugged. "You seem comfortable on Bayard. Let's pick up the pace. There's some pretty places coming up. I want you to see as much of them as you can."

Kara's smile was bright like the sun. Alex had to look away.

The horses were happy to lope for a ways, and Alex took them on the wide path that snaked up between the pines. They rode hard, but Kara had no problem, settling into it, a delight on her face as the wind caught her hair and the sun warmed her cheeks.

Alex kept Argo abreast of Bayard and shouted to point out places Kara might be interested in the history of.

“That’s where a cougar jumped out of a tree and ate a dog!”

"You have cougars here!" Kara exclaimed.

"Not that exciting if they jump on your head from the cliffs!"

"Still exciting!" Kara retorted, and Alex laughed.

"Fine!"

"All that heap of rocks over there was brought down by a flood last year!"

"Floods in this scrubland?" Kara seemed astonished by this too.

"Sure, that broken tree there? It got swept down all the way from the top of the mountain."

It took a lot of yelling to talk while cantering, so mostly Alex let Kara see what she could for herself.

Back in the scrub, Alex let the horses slow back to a walk. Kara’s face was pink, her hair all blown into wisps, but she was smiling, seeming well pleased to have gotten a lope in and a bit of a tour. 

"You don't mind being in the country, do you?" Alex asked, pleased at how much Kara seemed to enjoy this place.

"I was getting a little tired of the city," Kara said, her tone still carrying her smile. But then the smile faded. "And a little tired of my friends treating me differently."

Alex watched her face for a moment, and then turned back to look between Argo's ears. "Yeah. It's hard to change in places where everyone knows who you used to be."

Kara turned toward her, an expression neither pleased nor defensive on her face, a little confused, maybe, curious. But Alex wasn’t ready to share. She glanced around quickly.

"There-- that juniper. Let's have lunch under it."

Alex encouraged Argo toward it, and then pointed out a kangaroo mouse hopping away to distract her.

#

After lunch they came across a part of the fence that had come down, and Alex set to fixing it. She told Kara to explore, and to holler if she fell in a hole or something. Kara thwacked her with her unfolding cane.

It took the better part of an hour for Alex to fix the fence, and when she shouted for Kara, she didn't get a response. She didn't  _ think _ she'd lost Mike's fiancée already, but, concern lingering in her gut, she started tracking her.

The intrepid girl had made it quite a lot farther than Alex had expected. She'd come to an overlook that was one of Alex's favorite places. She was standing unnervingly near the edge of it, looking down at the sweep of trees and the dry riverbed below. Tears were glistening on her cheeks.

Alex hesitated, and then padded back to the treeline again. It wasn't her place to see that. "Kara!" she shouted, when she was far enough away that Kara had a chance to wipe her face before she showed up. "Oh, there you are."

Kara had rubbed her sleeve across her face and turned to Alex, jaw fiercely stubborn. "Thought I'd fallen down a cliff?"

Alex had a hard time looking away from her bloodshot eyes. "No," she said. "But we've got to get going if we'll have any chance of reaching the south cabin by dusk."

Kara nodded. She mounted Bayard stiffly, grimacing, clearly sore from a day of riding. She seemed to want to be quiet, so Alex didn't bug her, just led the way to the cabin.

She penned up the horses in the fenced in yard behind the cabin, and made Kara carry the heavy saddles to the shed, while Alex fed and watered the boys. Then she handed Kara her rucksack and led the way into the cabin.

"It's dark in here," Kara said, her tone soft, unsure, when she stepped inside. "I can't-- where are the beds?"

Alex looked around. It was just a shitty camping cabin, a raised platform, a roof and four walls. "No beds," she said. "I'll sweep then lay out the bedrolls. We can build a fire and--"

"No  _ beds _ ?" Kara's tone had gone heiress sharp. "No shower either? I've been on a goddamn horse all day and I can't even wash?"

"There's a cistern--" Alex managed.

"I'm  _ tired _ , and I'm sore, and I can't  _ see _ and there isn't a  _ shower _ ."

"No!" Alex yelled back. This was ridiculous. The damn girl wouldn’t even let her explain. "There isn't a shower! But don't give me shit for it. I wasn't the one who decided to marry a guy that her parents hated enough to send her into the desert to hide."

"You are supposed to be looking after me!"

"You hate being looked after!"

"Michael will  _ fire _ you if I tell him that you made me miserable!"

"His name isn't  _ Michael! _ If you'd ask Mike to fire me because I didn't magically make indoor plumbing appear out of thin air, I'd be glad to be fired, because I wouldn't want to  _ ever _ work for you." Alex sneered. "And I love how you're like, oh, Michael, thank you for taking care of me, for treating me like a helpless damsel, when it suits you, but with me you get pissy if I even ask if you're okay. I'd vomit if I ever lost my dignity around a guy like you seem to!"

Kara looked slapped, and swallowed hard. "Fine."

She turned around and walked out of the cabin.

Alex shut her eyes, exhausted and wishing she hadn’t unloaded both barrels on the girl, then followed after her.

Kara busied herself collecting wood and dry cow pats -- pine needles tended to explode when burned. It was dark, and it was pretty clear that her vision was worse in the dark. There were a few yelps and some swears. Alex didn't go over to help. She found the well instead and pumped a couple of pails of water.

When the fire was going, Alex hung a metal pail of water over it to heat, and Kara settled down beside the fire, rubbing at a few scratches she’d gotten and shivering a little as it got colder.

"Here," Alex handed her a washcloth. "The water should be warm enough. Scrub down. I'll roll the bedrolls out over here." She made a gesture towards a flat area near the fire.

"Not in the cabin?"

"You don't like it in there," Alex said. It had taken about a half hour for her to put it together--it wasn't the lack of shower or whatever, it was the darkness inside the cabin. Near complete, even if you had good vision. It made her feel helpless. "We shouldn't be bothered by coyotes with the fire. I like sleeping out anyway. I never stay in the cabins if I'm alone." She did usually bring one of the ranch dogs with her, but she’d hang their supplies in the cabin, and it would be fine.

Kara gazed at the fire for a while and Alex wondered if she could see it, or if there was only a dark spot framed by a halo of orange. "All right," she said.

Alex gave a small nod and rolled out the bedrolls.

Kara came back from washing in a clean shirt and soft silky pants that didn't belong on the range at all. Alex felt awkward in her threadbare t-shirt and flannels. She made sure Kara crawled into her sleeping bag okay, and then scrunched in to her own. She was only a few feet away, and it felt odd. Alex hadn't slept this close to anyone in years.

They lay in silence for a while, listening to the night birds calling and the rustles of the wildlife.

"When Mike said he had an idea for me to tour the ranch, I thought he'd be the one showing me around," Kara said softly, speaking up at the sky.

Honestly, that made a lot more sense than  _ Alex _ showing her around. Not that Mike knew his own ranch well enough to do it. He'd probably have driven to the point where he drank beer with his friends during high school, and then have nowhere else to show her, and just take her up to the North cabin which he kept all fancied up as a hook-up pad and put on the TV. "He seemed really excited about getting the wedding together," Alex said instead.

Kara huffed air out her nose, but she sounded amused. "Yeah. Kind of odd for a guy like him."

"You're a catch," Alex said wryly. "He's just making sure you don't get away."

"Well, I  _ am _ a catch," Kara said, a little amused and very confident, without any of that brittle edge that haunted her. Alex wondered for a moment if that was what she was like when she was comfortable, not always being on guard for bullshit from the people around her.

Kara went silent for a long time, when she spoke again it sounded like a flare from someone lost in the wilderness with no expectation of it being seen. "I think he did plan on taking me around himself," she said. "And then he remembered about me, and he got scared. Six days of dealing with my problems all on his own was too much for him. He's caring. But I think caring makes him feel responsible for looking out for me."

"And he's never been great with responsibility," Alex added, trying her best to make it a joke. It was so weird though, how much it was clear that Mike--probably for the first time in his life--actually was in over his head for Kara. But he wasn't here, wasn't with her. Kara was probably right, that he was scared of her low vision, didn't want to deal with it. So he'd passed her off on Alex. It was pretty lame that he cared too much about Kara to handle being with her. It definitely wasn't promising for a marriage, not that Alex had ever expected much for Mike's long term romantic prospects.

Kara laughed quietly at her statement, but sadly, and curled up into herself. "Responsibility is kind of new to him, isn't it?"

" _ Yes _ ."

#


	3. Chapter 3

Kara was super creaky in the morning, and Alex cooked up breakfast and coffee on the remains of the fire. It was far more leisurely than she usually spent her mornings on the range, not waking up properly until she was three miles away on Argo, crunching nuts between her teeth, but Alex kind of liked being lazy. It felt like a holiday.

After food, Kara brightened up, though she was still sore, and Alex figured they'd walk a few miles before venturing back into the saddle. The horses were easy enough about the prospect, and sauntered along after them.

Kara walked quite fast, as usual, and seemed to want to be a little ahead, as if she liked to keep Alex in the corner of her eye.

"So," Kara began, actually picking up the load of making conversation. "I guess I asked the wrong way about how you ended up working here before. Tell me instead, what's your favorite part about working here."

Alex stuck her thumbs in her belt loops and smiled at the sagebrush they were passing by. That was an all right question. "Not hard to say, really," she responded. "I like the space. Not being hedged in by people and traffic and expectations all the time. I know what I have to do here, and so I do it. The Family doesn't much care how things get done as long as I don't have to come to them for more money, so I'm independent. I like that. I get on better with animals than most people. It surprised my mom. Not a nurturing bone in your body, she said. And then I was up all night every night in the shed with Sarabeth when she was a little motherless calf and I felt that-- I dunno, maybe I'm not nurturing at all, unless nurturing is a form of anger. You're going to get better, you're going to be healthy and strong, and I'll fight the goddamn world to make sure you are."

Alex shut up, her face hot. That story had gotten away from her. Kara walked on silently for a few moments. "I like that," she said. "Nurturing as a form of anger. I suppose it makes sense for why my parents are so pissed at me."

Alex considered this from her own end. "Not for me," she said. "My mom is angry because I do things to make her angry. It doesn't need to go through caring first."

Kara let out a surprised almost-laugh. "Well, I guess I do that too."

"Getting engaged to a guy they'd rather kick under a bus than let marry you?"

"That's one of them."

"Is that why you did it? To make your parents angry?"

Kara froze, not walking, and Alex immediately regretted the question.

"Are you saying you don't think I love him?"

There were so many answers to that. _How could you_ , _he's_ Mike _?_ _You haven’t even known him for six months. That wasn't what I asked, why is that what you're answering?_

"We can have more than one reason for doing things."

Kara's forehead lined suspiciously. Then she sighed. "No. I didn't do it to make my parents angry. Honestly, I hoped they'd be relieved."

Alex didn't respond, swinging along, absently checking the fences every few bars. She'd also hoped her mom would be relieved that she was getting herself together. But her mom preferred to be disappointed.

"I hoped they'd think I was being taken care of, so they wouldn't have to worry about taking care of me. And Oregon, well, no chance of them showing up to hover."

"Yeah. My mom hasn't shown up once since I moved up here, and it isn't even as far as New York."

"Where are you from, originally?"

"California. Small town a couple of miles outside of San Jose."

"Did you have a ranch there?"

Alex laughed. "No. My mom and dad were medical researchers. We lived within a short commute of CIMR. I never even had a fish growing up."

Kara stumbled. Alex reached out, and Kara grabbed her arm to steady herself. Her hands were warm and her grip unexpectedly strong. "Not even a  _ fish _ ? I had a dog and I lived in Manhattan."

"My parents didn't trust me with that kind of responsibility. What kind of dog? A Pomeranian? Retriever? Shitzu?"

"Shiba inu." Kara laughed, looping her arm through Alex's. "Kyoko. She hated me. Eventually we gave her to my cousin because she and I did not get along."

"Where'd you learn to ride?"

"Central park. Had lessons for about five years, then wanted a horse, and my parents were less than thrilled about trusting me with that kind of responsibility."

"Well, a horse is a horse. My parents made me give away the betta fish I won at the fair."

"You had a neglected childhood."

Alex often thought about her childhood that way, but oddly, here, with Kara's arm looped through hers, pulling her along and making her pick up her pace, she looked back on it fondly. "No, I didn't mind. I was very focused on school, just like my parents, so I really didn't have time. I liked animals, but I was the weird kid who would stare at squirrels that had been hit by cars and identify the internal organs I could see."

Kara jerked away, grimacing. "What?"

"I wanted to be a surgeon." Alex looked away. "I wanted to save people."

Kara veered a few feet away from her and crossed her arms, walking on.

Alex had said something wrong again. It was probably the squirrel thing. She scuffed her boots against the fence posts that they passed.

"I'm glad you're not," Kara said finally. "I've had enough of doctors trying to fix me."

"Yeah.” Alex fixed her hat, tugging it low over her eyes. It seemed it hadn’t been the squirrel thing. It had been the doctor thing. “Don't worry. I washed out a year and a half into my MD-PhD. I have no more pretensions to be able to fix humans. I'm okay with cows. I call in a real vet for horses."

Kara nodded, and then walked on in silence. Alex watched her, feeling a little odd. She didn’t usually tell people about how close she’d come to becoming a doctor, because their reaction was always the same--too bad, as if any other option was automatically settling for less, that she’d disappointed herself by not sticking with it. Kara didn’t think that. It was unexpectedly refreshing.

They stopped for lunch when they reached the river. Kara settled down on a large flat stone that hung out over the deep cut, and Alex refrained from pointing out how close to the edge she was. Kara shifted, hanging her feet over the edge, and Alex just sat down beside her, handing over the cheese and Bransons pickle sandwiches that she mostly lived on while on the range.

Kara gave it a suspicious sniff, but took a bite, and seemed surprised and pleased. It was a pretty view here too, and Alex wondered how much she could see.

"I like the way the water sounds."

Alex shut her eyes and a different landscape opened up around her, the rush of the water, the birds crying in the trees, the wind. "Yeah," she said.

They sat quietly, listening to the wind and the water and the birds. The air was cool, but the direct sun warmed Alex, and she felt, oddly, that she could tell that Kara was also feeling calm there, that she wasn't unhappy.

"I was a painter," Kara said.

The words hung in the air. For a moment Alex didn't even process them, and then they hit. She looked over. Kara was staring into the distance, her eyes, uncannily blue and utterly clear, held no tears or feeling, her words just a quiet truth about her past.

"I thought it was stress at first, or too much turpentine. I had a big show, and I didn't have time to go to the doctor. It wouldn't have mattered if I did. I have Stargardt disease. It's genetic. My parents didn't tell me that I might have the markers for it. They  _ hoped _ I wouldn't instead. They let me start a career as a visual artist, knowing that I had a 1 in 4 chance to start losing my central vision in my twenties."

"Shit," Alex said softly.

Kara laughed, a gulping half-sob of a laugh. "Yeah. That covers it, I think."

"I'm pithy like that."

Kara laughed again, heartbreakingly, and leaned into Alex's shoulder. Surprised, and not used to offering physical comfort, Alex went still, and felt her chest go tight as Kara's fingertips traced over her thigh.

"Your jeans are so soft."

"Probably because I haven't washed them in a month."

Another low chuckle.

Alex wanted to ask a lot of questions, wanted to weave the threads together. She started losing her vision, then what? Went home, went to doctor after doctor, couldn't take it, saw Mike as a way out? Was she running away? Would she like it here, like Alex did?

Alex had been running away too.

#

That afternoon they came upon the herd. Alex let Kara into the field, and Bayard joyfully cantered over toward his favorite cows. Kara gave him his head and laughed as they curved around the outside of the herd, encouraging the cows to move closer together.

Alex laughed and rode after her. "I'll teach you to cut out, if you want."

"Definitely!"

They rode up to the trough, and Alex checked the water and feeding stations.

As they did, the ranch truck drove up, and Alex's two favorite ranch hands, Winn and James, got out, waving, along with Winn's big fluffy dog Siobhan.

"We're going to move the herd to the North field," James said. "You here to help? Or are you too busy playing tour guide?"

Kara and Bayard were rushing around the herd, going fast enough for Kara to see as best she could, her hair streaming behind her, and Alex shrugged. "We could help out."

"Wow," Winn said, staring at Kara. "She's so pretty. I can't believe she's going to be our boss."

"I can't believe that Mikey-boy was actually smart enough to decide that he was going to marry this one," said James.

"She's all right," said Alex. "Good with horses."

"We know that's all that matters to you," Winn said, sticking out his tongue at her when she smacked his shoulder.

Alex felt herself smiling in a way she wasn't used to. "Kara!" she shouted. "Come meet the guys."

Kara's body language on the horse went just stiff enough for Bayard to perk his head up in worry.

"Look," Alex hissed to James and Winn quickly. "She's got some vision issues. Don't be weird."

Winn gave her an odd look. "You sound protective. Gone soft for the new mistress, Lexie?"

It was a joke, but it didn't feel like a joke, it just made Alex angry. She stuffed her fists in her pockets. "Don't be a dick, or she'll fire you. She's already threatened me with it once."

James frowned. "That's not cool--"

But Kara had gathered herself and ridden up on Bayard. "Hello," she said, waving mechanically. Alex could see her nudging Bayard with her heels, keeping him swerving back and forth so she could have an excuse to look at James and Winn with her peripheral vision rather than have to turn her head.

"This is James, mine and Vaz's right hand." Alex made a bigger gesture than usual to point him out. "And this is Winn, the hobbit."

"Hey!" Winn yelped, offended.

"Pleased to meet you both," Kara said. She did not reach down to shake.

"And this is Siobhan." The dog barked loudly, sticking her head out of the back of the truck. Kara's smile brightened slightly at the bark and she looked less like an automaton. "The guys asked us if we'd help them herd the cows into the North field."

"Oh." Kara went tense again, startled.

"It's all right," Alex said, patiently. "Bayard knows what to do. And Siobhan will pick up any fellows who escape."

Kara hesitated a moment longer, and then smiled. "All right. It sounds fun."

Winn laughed. "It only  _ sounds _ fun. It's a pain in the ass."

"Being on a horse is the best part," James added.

"Glad I'm up here then." Kara made Bayard go in a circle. He was happy and pleased to listen to her as if he was a fully trained dressage horse, rather than a scrappy overfriendly grade gelding. Alex liked how they'd made friends.

Alex swung back up on Argo. "All right, you guys get the gate, we'll cinch in from the back."

Bayard did know what to do. He carried Kara up and back on the side of the herd, encouraging the cows to move. It was a big group, and sometimes Alex would shout when she saw gaps forming. But Kara, quicker than she expected, started noticing when the angry lows of the cows were not with the rest of the herd and would loop Bayard back to pick them up.

With two horses and two men and a dog, they got the cows into the North field in record time.

"You're a natural up there!" exclaimed James when Kara came slithering down off of Bayard. He wrapped her up in a hug, and Alex saw the fear on her face before she realized what was happening.

"Don't just grab her," Alex snapped.

"Sorry!" James released Kara, and Kara regained her balance and the poise that Alex had read as arrogance when it was full of discomfort.

"It's fine. Thank you," Kara said, bending her head. "I really enjoyed it."

"Wow," Winn said. "You'd never catch Mike down here, actually working."

Kara went still. "He doesn't herd?" she asked.

There was a cautiousness to her tone, and Alex felt it like a lurch in her gut. What had Mike told her?

"I don't even think he rides," Winn said. "And he sure as hell doesn't work. He's the prince, not the cowboy. Alex, there, she's the cowboy."

"Shut up," Alex said. It was ineffective.

"No friends, prefers cows to people, hasn't had a date since she moved to Oregon. Probably sings songs to herself when she's all alone. Never found a plaid shirt she doesn't like."

"Shut  _ up _ ," Alex repeated, this time adding in a chokehold that she tightened until Winn yelped for his uncle.

Kara was standing very still, and then she smiled, softly, and reached out, as if she was seeking Alex's arm. Alex didn't want to leave her hanging, and moved so she'd meet it. Kara’s fingers ran gently across the threadbare fabric of her shirt. "Alex is definitely a cowboy," Kara said, her voice unexpectedly warm. "Did she actually nurse that baby cow herself? Bet she kept it tucked under her shirt for the warmth, and what else it did there, who knows?"

Alex smacked her hands away. "Traitor! I thought you were on my side!"

All three of them were laughing their asses off at her.

"You all suck."

"Hey, we brought barbecue," James protested.

Alex grumbled more. "Fine. But only because this one ate double the amount of rations I packed." She prodded Kara in the side. Kara yelped and lashed out. She hit Alex in the gut. It  _ hurt _ , but fuck, she knew she shouldn't have touched Kara without signaling. The sun was setting, she was losing vision every minute. Alex took the blow and choked down the oof.

"Shit. I'm sorry." Kara's hands were on her, shoulders and waist and sides, and oh man that was her ass. Kara's hand had slid down, checking her for hurts, and had totally grabbed her ass. "Did I hurt you?"

"I'm fine," Alex choked out, sounding utterly unconvincing. But really, she wasn't hurt. She just wasn't used to warm hands on her ass.

"Sure," Winn said, sounding a little confused. "Let's get the grill down from the truck."

Winn and James got the grill up and started the coals, and prepped the fresh-killed fresh-ground beef. Alex directed Kara in taking care of the horses, keeping her voice soft, and helping whenever Kara's back got stiff with frustration because she couldn't see well enough to do it herself.

"You don't need to cover for me." Kara said softly.

"I'm not," Alex replied, just as soft. "I told them you had some vision issues, and if you want to say more, it's up to you. If you don't, I don't see why it's their fucking business."

"Whenever we met someone new, Mike would always make a big deal about it, like he expected people to treat me badly, and wanted to make sure they knew we were  _ important _ , and should be  _ respected _ . I know I shouldn't be ashamed of it, and I should be up front and willing to change people's perspectives, but it's just so frustrating. It's a big deal for  _ me _ , dealing with it makes  _ me _ so tired. Why should I care about how other people feel about it?"

"Should you? People are assholes all the time. If I cared about everyone who was an asshole, I wouldn't have time to care about people I actually liked, and there are--" Alex counted on her fingers. "--only four, no, five of those."

Kara let their shoulders touch and leaned into Alex. "Only five?" she inquired, sounding a little arch and amused, which was a lot better than the stressed and sad there was before. "Who?"

"My mom, and my best friend Maggie, and Vaz, and Sarabeth."

"Not a person."

Alex rolled her eyes.

"And also that's only four."

"Well," Alex hesitated. "I guess there's you."

Kara startled. " _ Me? _ "

Alex crossed her arms. "You'd have thought I was a loser if I just said three."

"I still think you're a loser," Kara said, almost automatically. Then she laughed and shook her head. "Not your dad?"

Alex shrugged. "Doesn't count, not now he's dead."

Kara stopped. "Oh," she said. "I'm sorry."

Alex didn't say anything for a moment, not sure if she could. When she was sure that she could speak, she found some words that seemed okay. "So am I."

#

They spent the evening around another campfire with James and Winn. Kara, a little insecure in the darkness, kept herself pressed warm against Alex's side. She was tactile in a way that Alex wondered if served as a distraction from how little she could see in the firelight. Her fingers traced patterns on the thigh of Alex's worn jeans. She leaned in close and pressed her nose against Alex's hair.

To her distress, Alex found herself enjoying breathing in the scent of sweat on Kara's neck, wondering what her skin would feel like under her fingers, under her mouth.

Alex had always been generally aware that women were as pretty to her as men, but as men had proven themselves to be as sexually interesting as cows, she'd sort of assumed that women were too. It wasn't for her. She wasn't interested.

Kara though.

Kara was complicated and stubborn and vulnerable.

Kara was her boss's fiancée.

It was distracting, but there was no real point in being distracted by it. Kara teased her and laughed in her face and tugged at the buttons on her shirt. She egged Winn and James on with their embarrassing stories. Alex did her best to tell embarrassing stories about the both of them too.

But when Mike came up again, any sense that Kara might be interested in her too went away. Alex's distraction was replaced by resignation. Kara was curious about Mike, asking for stories. And there were plenty. They told her about his real name--Mon-El--, how he’d gone into the field to steal his little cousins’ Easter baskets and gotten scared by a cow in the fog, and the time he'd been dared to skinny-dip in the swimming hole and his friends had stolen his clothes and he'd come home naked in the middle of a planning tea for a cotillion that his mom was hosting.

Kara laughed at these stories, and she shifted just enough away from Alex that Alex felt cold.

When Winn and James were packing up to drive back to the main house, Alex made sure Kara knew where the bedrolls were and where the washing up pail was, and then went to help James haul the grill back onto the truck.

"This was fun," Alex said. "She's all right, isn't she?"

"Sure is," James said. "The prettiest girl that's been on this ranch in a long time too."

Alex scowled. "You're not supposed to be noticing that."

"I can notice," James said. "Just like I can notice that you're noticing too."

Alex went still. "What?"

"I've never seen you be into someone, so I don't know how it looks. But I've seen you with friends, and you aren't soft like that with your friends."

"I'm not  _ soft _ ," Alex stuck her thumbs into her belt loops. "Stuck-up heiress drove me up the wall for a day or so. But she got over that."

"You warmed up to her a bit too, I bet. It's not like you're not standoffish with new people."

Alex crossed her arms and shrugged. He wasn't  _ wrong _ .

"She likes horses," Winn said, coming up to them with the last of their gear. "You didn't have a chance."

"A chance at what?" Alex scowled.

"You  _ like _ her."

"She is Mike's goddamn fiancée!" Alex snapped. "Sure I like her. We're friendly. You spend 36 hours straight with someone and you better be friendly, or one of you is dead. And if I have any feelings about her maybe shouldn't being Mike's fiancée, it's got nothing to do with me, and a lot to do with knowing  _ Mike _ and his fruitfly attention span, and how much he hates being on the range when Kara would love it, and the fact that she is going through some serious shit right now, and I don't think Mike is man enough to handle it."

"But you are?" James asked.

Alex froze. "No," she said. "No. She just deserves better than Mike. But . . . I don't know. He seems really in love with her. Maybe he'll pull his shit together."

"We can hope," Winn said, and then he thumped her on the shoulder. "Whether you like-like her or not, it's nice to see you caring about someone. We were starting to worry that it would only ever be cows."

They left and Alex sat down by the embers of the dead fire with a thump. No. She was not into Kara. She barely liked Kara. Kara was just . . . interesting.

"Hey," Kara said softly from her bedroll when Alex made it back to their campsite. "Was getting worried about you."

"Just finishing cleaning up," Alex said, crawling into her sleeping bag.

"Thank you for today."

"Mm?"

"It's no surprise if I say that getting engaged and fleeing New York for Oregon was a bit of an impulsive decision."

Alex snorted. No surprise indeed.

"I was really anxious. I mean,  _ Oregon _ . I'd never been on a ranch before. And well, meeting new people, now, after . . . all of this. I didn't know if I could do it. But you made me feel welcome here. Coming here doesn't feel like losing everything, like running away when there's nowhere to run to." Kara reached out and found Alex's hand where it was curled up by her face in the dark. Alex’s stomach clenched, strangely tight. "You made me feel like this ranch could become a home. You made me feel like it really is the right decision, marrying Mike."

#


	4. Chapter 4

Kara Zor-El had spent the last three years feeling lost. Even her own apartment had become a strange place. Her paintings had blurred, the colors started to shift into blandness. That was what had broken her, she thought. They'd told her there was a chance she'd go colorblind, but that a lot of people with Stargardt disease didn't. They didn't even lose their vision entirely, usually bottoming out around 20/200, with reasonable peripheral vision. She thought she could handle it, that she'd be okay. She wasn't going to give up her apartment, she would just go more impressionist if she had to. She liked sculpture. She could do sculpture. Overcoming this kind of obstacle would look great on her artist statements for grant applications. She could keep going. She was  _ stubborn _ . But then the colors had started going away.

She hadn't been able to get out of bed. She'd missed doctors appointments, because what was the point? It wasn't treatable. It was going to happen whatever she did. Her body was taking away everything her mind wanted.

It was her aunt who showed up, busting into her apartment through the window fire escape when Kara didn't get out of bed to answer the door.

"Well, you're not dead yet," Astra said flatly, pulling down the blankets to see enough of Kara to reassure her. "And I think it's time you got up."

Kara had been far less enthusiastic about the prospect. Even the thought of facing the stairs on her third floor Brooklyn walk-up made her heart race and stomach turn. It was always dim and people left out their shoes and umbrellas in the narrow corridor, and she just couldn't manage it. She couldn't manage anything anymore.

Astra put the folding cane in her hand, and Kara threw it back at her. "I don't want this! I don't want to get used to this! I want to go  _ back _ ."

"Well you can't," Astra said flatly. "I know your mom and dad are taking you to specialists and talking about gene therapy, but that's just because they've never run into a problem that money can't fix. I have. And now you have. So get up, and deal with it. You've always been stubborn before, be stubborn about this."

Facing reality was the worst part. She really couldn't manage in that apartment like she used to. She didn't need her paints anymore. Her eyes weren't going to go back to how they used to be. Her mom wanted to put everything in storage for her, but there was no point. She let her friends come and grab what they wanted, and asked Astra to get rid of the rest for her. Then she moved back home.

She loved her parents, really. But she was an adult. She'd lived on her own for eight years, including college, and coming back to where her laundry was handled, her diet was managed, her penchant for street food dismissed, and where she had  _ nothing to do _ was awful. She stayed in bed listening to podcasts most days. Her friends had all been artists. They didn't have anything to say to her now that she wasn't. There wasn't much else to do.

Her mom was sure that staying in bed all day wasn't good for her, and so made sure to drag her out to as many parties and functions that she could. They used to go to shows a lot together. But now Alura would only suggest the Symphony, and it just hurt more.

Astra would come and kidnap her every once in a while and bring her to cramped shows Off-Off-Broadway and lean in, murmuring in her ear if anything visual happened that was small enough that she thought Kara wouldn't catch. They were mostly terrible and often involved male nudity, which Kara wasn't terribly disappointed at not being able to make out clearly. Astra's descriptions of it were always better than anything she could have seen.

But more than anything, Kara was bored. She kept trying to find new interests, figure out how to get her computer to read things to her, but everything was so hard and she was so tired.

That was when she met Mike.

Michael Garland was probably handsome. She wasn't sure, but he seemed good looking enough, and enough other girls seemed excited enough to see him that she figured he was probably suitable to be seen with. But what he said she found the most attractive. He told her about his ranch out in Oregon, about his horses and cattle and the mountains and riverbeds. It was mostly bragging, but he was bragging about such unusual and interesting things. It all sounded so refreshing. It wasn't New York, stinky and cramped and treacherous. It was open fields and wide skies and  _ horses _ . Kara hadn't thought about horses in years, but in high school she'd wanted to jump professionally.

And Mike seemed like a good guy. He hadn't noticed her vision issues the first few times they'd met, and when he finally did, he'd been so solicitous, so confident that they'd fix it. She didn't have the heart to tell him that it wasn't treatable, and all of the pills she was taking were 'hope' pills, nothing that was proven to make a difference.

He'd told her that clearly the worst part about her losing her vision was that she wouldn't be able to look upon her own beautiful face in the mirror. Clearly, he'd have to do it for her. It was such a terrible line, and yet he'd said it with so much sincerity that she'd laughed her ass off, and then kissed him.

He was funny, and kind, and he didn't know her before she was going blind, so he didn't have any expectations about what she was supposed to be like. Her anger and depression were not aberrations, they were just part of her. Of course, he said she was 'just a little sad.' He said it made her deep. This was ironic enough to be amusing.

But best of all, he was a cowboy.

His stupid western-style shirts and tendency to wear jeans to fancy events and his squeaky polished cowboy boots with embroidery that Kara could run her thumb across for days, and the hats--he always wore the hats, which made him easy to pick out in a crowd--it all felt like a bit of a joke, a romance novel trope, but an appealing and sexy trope. He smelled different from the boys she was used to, like leather and sunshine. He hated the subway and made fun of New York high-society. And he was pretty good at sex.

She really liked the sex.

Kara had always liked sex. And it was such a relief to find out that her loss of vision didn't matter at all in bed. She could still be desirable, still enjoy all of the things she'd always enjoyed. It was like a drug. She wore Mike out. She was always ready to go, and he thought she was amazing.

When, after a particularly vigorous encounter, he'd been lying flat on his back, gasping, and he'd turned to her and asked if she wanted to get married, she'd said okay.

It felt like being normal again. It felt like a way out.

Her parents hadn't seen it that way at all. They were sure he was marrying her for her money--when she thought deeply about it, she figured he was marrying her for the sex, but as money and sex were basically the only things she had to offer right now, she was just pleased someone valued them enough to want to marry her. Kara was pretty sure that what her parents were really afraid of wasn’t gold-digging, it was losing their ability to apologize to her. If she was in their house, if they were taking her to the doctor, they could assuage their guilt that this had happened to her, that their genes had set her up for this. But if she left, they’d have to accept that they couldn’t fix things for her.

Astra told her that she thought this was stupid, that if she was at loose ends, there were ways of making a change that weren't marrying a  _ farm boy _ . And if she wanted to go anywhere, in the whole world, Astra would get her there. Kara appreciated that. But asking Astra for help was still asking for help, and Kara was so goddamn tired of asking for help.

Mike was Kara's. He wasn't a favor from her family. She'd convinced him to like her enough to ask her to marry him. He distracted her and made her happy. That was enough.

So as her parents yelled at her and then each other for letting this happen, she booked a flight through her best friend's family's travel agent, got an Uber to the airport, and left.

Mike had been back in Oregon by himself for a few weeks, and she'd been really looking forward to being with him again. They were in love. It was going to be a great reunion. He would wrap her up and make her laugh and make her feel like she hadn't run away, that she'd run  _ to  _ somewhere, somewhere good. 

Only, the farther she got from New York the more uncertain she'd become. Changing planes had been a nightmare, but she'd stubbornly refused to ask for help. She'd even managed to collect her own bags at the small rural carousel. The big houndstooth weave was dramatic enough that she could spot it even with her blurry vision and drag her bags off.

She was fine on her own. She was. But easy things were hard, and that made her so  _ angry _ .

And then Mike hadn't come to get her.

Instead there was this other person, a scrawny blur with a low, slurred but female-coded voice, the contrast between dark hair and pale skin and a goddamn cowboy hat the best Kara could make out. The hat had fooled her for a moment, but this wasn't Mike. Where was Mike? Mike was supposed to be here. He was supposed to make it okay that she'd just fled 3000 miles to be with him. But instead he'd sent Alex.

Kara was angry. Making Alex angry in return was icing.

It was relieving, refreshing, to have someone snap and grumble at her. She'd used her cane like a weapon, knowing how people reacted when it turned out they'd been mean to someone  _ disabled _ . And then she'd asked for one thing that she was sure no one would let her do again, expecting Alex to hem and haw and make awkward excuses, trying to avoid saying 'there's no way you're legal to drive, blind girl.' But Alex hadn't. Alex had given her the keys. Alex had even gotten into the truck with her driving.

It had been so  _ freeing _ to hit the gas and hold the wheel and  _ shift _ . Living in NYC Kara hardly every drove and she hadn't driven stick since her college girlfriend had taught her how. And, even though she hadn't driven in years, when her doctor had told her she was no longer legal to drive when her vision dropped to 20/60, uncorrectable, it had felt like a loss. But going fast enough to make out her surroundings on the wide empty stretches of Oregon highway, it had felt like getting something back.

Alex had given it to her.

She'd warmed to Alex then, thought that maybe she was okay, and then Alex had said that Kara must not be actually blind, that Kara was lying, that what had happened to her wasn’t  _ important _ , not that maybe she just didn't understand what Kara could or couldn't do, and Kara was angry again.

When Mike told her that she was going to go with Alex while he got the wedding ready, it had felt like a death knell. She'd known, deep down, that she'd made a mistake.

She'd been angry and uncomfortable and unsettled since. She didn't like meeting new people now, new things scared her. She didn't trust Alex--even people who seemed okay at first often turned out to not be trustworthy. They said-felt-believed stupid things, that Kara could have told them were shit if they just asked her instead of trying to control her life for her. She did not want to go camping with  _ Alex _ .

But Kara had always been stubborn. She wasn’t going to back down.

Unexpectedly, Alex, grouchy and stoic and no-nonsense, had turned out to be wonderful. 

She didn’t understand what Kara was going through, and she was awkward about asking, but she was willing to pay attention to Kara’s moods and figure out when she’d done something wrong. 

She trusted Kara to make decisions for herself.

Bayard was wonderful too, friendly and responsive. It almost seemed like he knew that they were a team, that she had to rely on him for certain things, and he rose to the occasion.

She rode, explored alone, gathered wood, cooked hot-dogs over a fire, slept out, herded cattle. She'd been comfortable around James and Winn, her anxiety around meeting new people fading when she'd been assured that Alex was there, prickly and defensive, ready if she needed help, but not trying to force her help on her, not modifying her behavior.

For the first time in a long time, Kara felt safe without also feeling trapped.

Maybe coming here hadn’t been a mistake after all.

#


	5. Chapter 5

Morning came early, still dim, but movement near the campfire and the scent of coffee suggested Alex was up already. Camping had never been something Kara's family did as a regular activity, but Astra had taken her to national parks a few times. It felt like being a child again: sleeping out on the ground, not worrying about whether or not she got a good night's sleep, assured she'd have enough energy to play the next day and confident that if she needed to nap, she would be allowed to flop down in the sun until she was ready to play again.

But she wasn't a kid and when Alex reached out, touching her arm as an alert before pushing the steaming tin mug, wrapped in an old t-shirt, into her hands, the morning went from fine to perfect. "Oh God, I love you."

There was a scuff and then a swear as if Alex had touched something hot, but Kara didn't try to figure out what. She was too wrapped up in her coffee.

"Do we need to ride today?" Kara asked. She loved being up on Bayard, but her thighs and her core and her ass were not happy about the hours in the saddle. The jeans she wore were not as well worn as Alex's and the power of chafing was not something to underestimate. At least her old riding boots were still as broken-in as they'd been before she left for college and her feet hadn't grown much.

"Not if you need a break. I was going to go in the herd and check on the ladies."

"Do I get to meet Sarabeth?"

Alex made a grumbly noise that suggested she was expecting Kara to make fun of her. And, well, it was tempting. Thinking of this tough cowgirl cuddling the baby cow she'd raised from birth, it was adorable.

Kara had never wanted to touch someone's face before. It felt dumb, like a cliche blind person thing--and she wasn't  _ blind _ . (She'd missed her last two doctors appointments on purpose. She could tell her vision was still progressively getting worse. She checked herself obsessively. She was probably at 20/200 by now, which meant she  _ was _ legally blind. She just didn’t want to know.) But still, she couldn't see with her fingers. It wouldn't give her a better picture of what people looked like. She couldn't  _ draw _ them from that, catch the play of shadows across their face, know whether their expressions were clever or funny or serious. But she wanted to touch Alex's face. She walked close by her, keeping her in the corner of her eye, trying to catch the flex of her eyebrows or the twist of her lips. Kara liked saying things a little over the top. The more dramatic Alex's expression the more chance she'd have to catch it. But it didn’t feel like enough.

She wondered if everyone she met from now on would always be a little bit of a stranger. Even Mike. She knew his body and his voice, but the details of his face would always be a mystery. Still, she definitely wouldn't touch his face. He'd probably like it, find it romantic or something, and that would be embarrassing.

It was a grey day and Alex kept making worried noises and glancing up at the sky. Kara trailed after her through the masses of cows until she found some of the 'ladies' she was looking for.

"Hello Moccasin. Hello Abigail." Alex's hands made drumming sounds on their flanks, and her tone was warmer than Kara had ever heard directed at a human. "Meet Kara."

Kara laughed as she got a cow nose in her palm and then patted the rough dusty coat and rubbed the palm of her hand over the thick bristled hair of their not-quite manes. "It's so strange how their backs are almost pointed," she said, letting her hand fold over the V.

"Makes sense with gravity," Alex said.

"Well yes, and if we were all bottom heavy cones we could definitely attribute it to gravity."

"You can't  _ discount _ gravity," Alex protested, and she sounded like she was about to start in on a scientific rant, but she caught herself and just grumbled. Then her shape disappeared behind one of the cows. "Kar, come here," she said.

Kara, amused that she'd developed a nickname, made her way around the cow and crouched down near Alex.

"This one's the biggest. She's gonna have twins, at least. More likely triplets. Come on, feel." Kara put her hand on the cow's distended belly. Inside, there was give in some areas and not in others. She felt hesitantly, but when the cow didn't seem to mind she used a firmer pressure, trying to figure out what it was she was feeling. "Is that a hoof?"

"Maybe it is," Alex said. "Your guess is as good as mine."

It did feel like a hoof at the end of a bent foreleg. "When is she due?"

"Couple days maybe, when there are so many babies like this, often they kick them out earlier. They might be scrawny though, need extra nursing."

"Like Sarabeth?"

"There's only one Sarabeth," Alex said, a scowl in her voice. "But I might should give one each to James and Winn and you, just to give you a proper education on looking after a bottle-fed calf."

"I want one," Kara said. She could do that, she thought. Look after a calf, make sure it was fed, make sure it was warm. But Winn's comment about Mike not liking to work came back to her and worried her. Still, they'd get used to living on the ranch together eventually. "Not one of these, probably. Mike wouldn't be happy if I spent our honeymoon in a shed with a cow rather than with him. But if you need someone to take care of one, I want to."

There was a long pause from Alex. Kara tried not to flinch. So many of those pauses ended with the awkward excuse, the no, I really don't think you're competent enough to do that. But this one didn't.

"All right, you're on the list," Alex said, as if maybe she was just trying to remember how many people had signed up before her. Kara hoped that was it, but she'd been burned so many times it was hard not to think Alex was hesitating because one of her special baby cows was too precious to risk on  _ the blind girl. _

They kept on through the pasture, Alex greeting all of the pregnant ladies by name, Kara letting her hands run over them, laughing when a tail switched her in the face, not caring what she stepped in. The boots were leather, they'd clean up.

"So, what has Mike said about your honeymoon?" Alex asked. There was a peculiar tone in her voice that Kara recognized as her 'Mike' tone. Perhaps that had been the reason for her pause before. There was something tense about her when Kara brought up Mike. She'd wondered if Alex had liked him and was disappointed that he hadn't noticed her. But the way she and Winn and James had talked about him had given her the impression that Alex was one of the guys in a lot of ways and wasn't after anything different. (She'd also been dabbling with the hypothesis that Alex might be gay, but the cowgirl thing might be giving her a false positive. As a constantly-assumed-to-be-straight bisexual, she tried to avoid making assumptions.) Mike had said that he and Alex were mates, but Alex was also clearly an employee, and Kara wasn't entirely sure if they had anything more than a business relationship that Mike treated as friends and Alex  _ didn't _ .

"Oh, I don't know. He was saying some sort of nonsense about three months in Aruba, but there's no way he could leave the ranch that long, right?"

Alex grunted noncommittally. It sounded like she thought he could, and would. 

Kara bit her lower lip, hesitating. "I suppose with you running things, he could leave for a long time," she said.

"You're right about that," Alex replied, a bit smug.

Kara laughed. She liked it when Alex was smug. But the idea that Mike might take her off for a quarter of a year left her a little lost.  "I wouldn't want to leave for that long. I've just gotten here. Maybe two weeks in January would be a relief, but three months? I want to settle in for a while. I want to convince my parents that I'm happy here. I want to find something to  _ do _ ."

"Yeah," Alex said, understated and yet understanding. "Makes sense."

They'd checked on nearly the whole herd, Kara was sure, Alex giving concerned hums as she examined a few cows and making Kara hold her bag which smelled like leather and sulfur and strange powders as she checked them over. Then they sat up on a flat rock and ate more of Alex's special cheese and sweet pickle sandwiches. Kara was still not entirely sure whether they were disgusting or delicious. She figured she had time to decide since it was probably going to be lunch for the whole six days. It was almost unbelievable that this was the third day already. It had gone so quickly. Three and a half more days and she'd be getting married.

Married.

The thought of marriage and the honeymoon made her chest feel strangely tight and heavy, like a cold stone was filling it up. She was marrying Mike. Michael. No,  _ Mon-El _ , James had said. It was a bit of a stupid name. And afterwards, her name would be Kara Garland--if she took his. And even if she didn't, people would call her that, think of her as that. She hadn't really thought about being Mike's  _ wife _ when she'd said yes. She'd just thought about getting out of New York, about having the chance to be someone new. Mike being with her had been a comfort, a stability. But he wasn't with her now, and she was fine. Maybe she could have always left New York, found herself somewhere else, without anyone.

Mike seemed so distant right now. It felt hard to remember what he was like, how she'd felt when she was with him. After the weeks of fighting with her parents about him, their one night back together had been underwhelming.

His room wasn't very well lit so she didn't have much of an impression of it, save that it stunk of too strong men's cologne, and the floor was treacherous--he hadn't cleaned for her. He'd led her to the bed and started kissing her, and she'd put aside her discomfort and let him push her down into the pillows and unfasten her slacks and slide his fingers between her legs. She'd been too stressed to relax though, and it had hurt a little when he entered her. She hadn't come like she had in New York. When he'd wanted to go again in the morning, she'd refused him, acknowledging his morning wood with a quick blow job instead. Alex was in a rush, and knowing Alex was in a rush would have put too much pressure on her. She didn't need to have sex and not come twice in twelve hours.

She hadn't been relaxed, that was all it was. In New York, Mike had been a great lover.

It was a little funny, because who would have thought that she'd be more relaxed out on the range than in her fiancé’s bed? But last night--though she'd been exhausted in a way she'd never been before--she had felt like curling her fingers into herself while face down on her bedroll. It was weird to do it while Alex was only feet away, but once Alex's breathing had evened out, she'd let herself. It had been so easy, even outdoors, even so near another sleeping human, to bring herself off, and then curl up and doze. She'd thought for a moment about not having a person to curl up against, and Alex was so close, she could just scooch her bedroll over . . . But there was dirt between them and Kara didn't want to inch her sleeping-bag off the mat. So she just snuggled down deeper into the bag and slept.

#

Alex had been quiet during lunch, shifting and humming in a way that Kara had come to identify as thoughtful and a little worried.

"I haven't met Sarabeth yet," Kara said, taking a guess at what she might be thinking.

"Yeah," Alex said, still contemplative. "I don't think she's here."

"Where would she be otherwise?"

Alex didn't answer, just grunted bemusedly.

"Should we go look for her?"

"You don't need to--"

"No." Kara cut her off. "I want to." She stopped herself. "I'll stay behind if you don't think I can help."

"If you want to come, I'm not going to tell you to stay behind," Alex said. "I have one idea, and I'm taking Argo. If you're on Bayard, you won't slow me down."

It burned to have it acknowledged that she would slow Alex down without Bayard, but at least Alex was matter of fact about it. It was better than if she'd clearly thought it but tried not to say it. Getting upset  _ would _ slow Alex down, and she didn't want to keep the soppy cowboy from her cow any longer than necessary.

They mounted up, and though she wasn’t sure, Kara thought Alex was leading them back toward the south field where they'd herded the cows from. The herd had been gathered in the low end of the field, but it sloped up, towards a peak. Alex took a serpentine route up the steep slope, and Bayard followed. Kara stayed settled in his saddle, not trying to anticipate any movements, knowing she'd just get it wrong and overbalance or signal Bayard to go the wrong way. She just tried to feel which way Bayard  _ was _ moving, and shift along with that.

The cloud cover hadn't broken all day and it seemed even darker now, a heavy occlusion to the sky. A soft rumbling in the distance made the strange ionic feeling on Kara's skin make sense. "It's going to storm."

Alex didn't respond, or she must have nodded or something. A moment later she said, "Yeah."

Though she said nothing else, Kara felt the increased urgency, remembering the tree Alex had pointed out, the one that had been swept all the way down the mountain by the floods.

When they reached the top of the ridge, Alex swore and even Kara could see the big gap where the fence had been broken. Alex encouraged Argo through it, and started trotting along the ridge. Bayard and Kara followed.

Kara had never had the best distance vision even before it really started to go. But she wished so hard that she did. She wished she had the eagle eyes that would allow her to spot the missing cow. But on her right-hand side the land dropped into fuzzy indistinct depths of what seemed to be a dry river bed, and she was useless. She hated being useless.

Shutting her eyes, Kara listened as hard as she could, but the pattering she started to hear wasn't the sound of a cow in trouble. That was rain coming. Then thunder cracked again, louder, nearer. Single drops of rain started pelting her head and arms. Bayard didn't like the thunder and his movements got more anxiously catlike as he trailed after Argo. Kara rubbed his withers and tried to talk softly to him, but she was anxious too.

"I see her." Alex was sliding off of Argo, and Kara startled.

"What? Where?"

"Down in the ravine. Calves too. Of course she'd go ahead and give birth without me, ungrateful cow." Alex sounded like she was joking, but the tension in her voice was too strong to let the joke land.

The rain grew heavy, soaking Kara's shirt and hair, and she scrambled off of Bayard, looping his reins around the saddle horn so they wouldn't get tangled in his feet. "You're going down? What if there's a flood?"

"I'm fine," Alex's voice was warm, and Kara tried to blink through water streaming down her face, through the dark spots in her vision to see her. Alex was moving near to her. With a thunk, she clapped her hat down on Kara's head. "Just going to get her up to higher ground. You stay up here. You stay  _ safe _ , okay?"

"Okay," Kara said, automatically, surprised by the warmth from the inside of Alex's hat, the serious determination in Alex's voice.

And then Alex was moving again, slipping and sliding down the muddy slope of the ravine, and it's dark and Kara can't  _ see _ and Alex is out of reach.

_ Flash floods _ , Kara can't stop thinking. The storm in the mountains sending water down here. Alex, in the dry riverbed, going to get her cow, getting carried away by the rush of it. What was Kara supposed to do then? Let Alex get hurt? Leave Alex?

She's not going to leave Alex.

Everything is wet, making it even harder to see, but there seems to be a flat place a few meters down the side of the ravine. The horses do not like the storm, and Kara checks Argo's reins, making the horses can run to safety to get out of the storm. She pushes Alex's hat down as far as she can over her eyes, and heads over to the edge of the ravine. She finds something to cling to, then reaches down with her foot, searching for purchase.

Eyes are never all that useful when climbing down, she tells herself. Everyone has to go by feel.

Even though the storm is loud, she can hear Alex, the squelches of her boots, then her voice, vivid, breaking out from the rush of water, comforting. "Hey baby girl, look at this. You troublemaker, rascal. And two little ones? Oh, look at these beautiful little ones. So good and strong, already."

Kar's feet hit the small overlook, and she drops onto hands and knees, crawling to the edge to try to get a glimpse of Alex.

From this vantage, if she doesn’t look straight-on, Kara can almost _ see.  _ The large dark shape of Sarabeth, the Alex-shape, moving, lifting a smaller dark shape, maybe putting one of the calves over her shoulders? She's still talking to Sarabeth, coaxing. "There's a bit of higher land over there. Why don't we take a bit of a walk? Come along girl."

They're starting to move, black shapes against water-dark earth. They're moving away from Kara towards the opposite side of the ravine, where the slope seems gentler and there might be some stone heaps pushed there by previous floods, meaning that if a flood does come the current would be weaker on that side.

The rain is lightening, but there's a strange sound that Kara hears, a roar.

"Come on! Hurry it up!" Alex is swearing, she's heard the roar too. It means something to her.

It's all movement and shadow, but it's fast movement and rushing shadow. It's the flood, a wash of water, and Alex is yelling and the cow is mooing, and the calves are squealing and squeaking, and in the white water Kara can see the calf that's not on Alex's shoulders as a yelling dark spot, getting swept away.

And then it stops. It's gotten hooked on something, maybe a tree maybe a stone, but it's screaming, and Alex is swearing, but she’s okay, she’s trying to get Sarabeth up on the side of the ridge when she is mooing loudly, looking for her baby.

"Alex!" Kara yells. "Alex, I can see it!"

"Don't you dare!" Alex yells back. "Stay the fuck up there on the ridge!"

Her voice is half choked though, she sounds wrecked. Fuck. The calf cries are so plaintive, and Kara  _ can't _ . She can't just wait for the next rush of water, for the calf to get tossed down river, killed. She doesn't think. She goes.

It's a struggle of mud and rocks and balance. She falls, cracking her knees on rocks, and burying her hand in squelchy mud, but she gets up again, she slithers down the side, and then plunges into the water. It's rushing so much faster than she'd thought, like a train. It bowls her over. She falls again, goes under, fights it, scrambles up. Alex's hat is gone. She gets hit hard by a floating tree branch she didn't see coming. She falls again.

"Kara!" Alex is screaming at her. "Go back up! You idiot! Go back up!"

The water is fast but it's not that deep, barely knee height. She can't see down here, but she can hear the calf still, and she regains her balance, keeping a hand on the water upstream, hoping she can deflect any more debris. She digs for footholds that she can leverage against the force of the water. The water pushes so hard, but she pushes back, leaning in. She can't  _ see _ , but it's raining so hard that it doesn't matter. 

Inch by inch she works her way across the ravine, through the floodwaters. She follows the cries of the calf. Then there it is, thrashing and loud. She reaches for the calf.

"Hey," she says. "Hey. I'm Kara, I'm your aunt Kara." Her hands find the silky wet fur of the calf, and it cries out once more, and then she lifts it up, unhooking it from where it got stuck on the scrubby broken tree, and wraps it up close to her chest. It's shivering, but it isn't crying out anymore. She gets it over her shoulder, tucking its bum in the crook of her elbow and pressing down on its back, so she has one hand free, and gropes for the side of the ravine. She needs a way up. She finds higher ground, and stepping up out of the flood, is like escaping the grip of a giant. She falls again, at the surprise of the loss of the force of the flood, on that same bruised knee, but she keeps the calf safe and she's out of the water.

It's step by step again, seeking some way up, fumbling for stability with her free hand. There is a way. She can't see that there's not, so she just has to believe there is. Up and up through the mud, she finds a path. Another roar is coming, more water. She sets her teeth and grabs a small ledge in the rock, and she  _ climbs. _

The rush of water roars by under her feet. She'd gotten high enough to avoid it. She's almost safe.

"Kara," Alex's voice, above her. " _ Kara _ ."

Kara squints, but it's no use, she reaches up, flailing, and Alex grabs her hand. Her grip is strong and warm and  _ important _ . She's not processing what Alex is saying, but it's both angry and comforting, and she's a stable grip for Kara to hold as she hauls herself and the calf over the edge of the ridge and onto higher ground.

"Oh my god, you idiot, you fucking  _ idiot _ ," Alex is cursing as she takes the calf, checking it over and setting it on its feet and nudging it over towards its mother and its sibling, and then with those same motions she's checking Kara, and cursing at her, and there is a catch in her voice like she's crying. "I told you to stay up there, to stay safe, not to plunge stupidly into a flash flood to save a cow!"

Is she crying? It's too dark to tell. Kara reaches out and presses her mud smeared fingers against Alex's face. Amidst the cold rain there are hot tears. The angry words are cut off, surprise and confusion making Alex’s face mobile.

"I'm all right," Kara says, moving her hand across Alex's sharp features. The flex of Alex's brows under her fingertips, the tightness in her mouth, it feels like something desperate, something big and strange is there, like there are words under those lips that say 'I can't lose you' like Kara can  _ feel _ them, even though they are as yet unsaid.

"You're soaked," Alex mumbles against her hand.

"So are you." Kara can't help herself, caressing her cheek, feeling her high cheekbones and sturdy chin and long straight nose. "I'm sorry. I lost your hat."

"Fuck," says Alex. "Fuck my hat."

It's shaky and unsettled, like the adrenaline of seeing Kara go under in the flood was too much and she couldn't quite let it go. Kara wants to reassure her. "We're all right," she says, and her hand on Alex's face shifts to cup her cheek, draw her in, and Kara wraps her other arm around her. They squelch together, too drenched for anything else, and Kara presses a kiss against Alex's rain-chilled cheek. Alex lets out a small helpless sound, and Kara's thumb finds the corner of her lips. It would be so easy to turn her head and kiss her mouth.

It would be easy.

Kara wants to.

"We're all right," she says again instead. Alex wraps her up in a hard hug, the hardest she's ever gotten.

"Fuck you," Alex says grouchily into her shoulder. "Give me a heart attack. And you didn’t even use the goddamn rope on your saddle. Could have gone down with Bay holding you with half the trouble. And now I bet you're going to complain about the fact that we aren't going to be able to light a fire in this goddamn rain _._ "

#


	6. Chapter 6

Alex doesn't know what to think about any of this. Doing is better. Things to do are important, she likes things to do. There's a camping cabin not too far away and Kara holds her arm and lets her lead the way through the mud and rain, urging the cows along with them. Sarabeth had her calves, and there are two of them, spindly and strong, and one had been swept away in the flood, and then Kara-- _ Kara _ \--had saved it.

In some part of her, she knew that Kara had done it because these cows were important to Alex. Because she was a caring and brave and stupid person also, of course, but Alex had gone down to try to get them out before the flood--she'd been caught in the rush too, though on high enough ground that it had only made her stumble. Knowing that Alex cared about these cows had been enough for Kara to decide to follow, to risk her life for a  _ calf _ that was important to  _ Alex _ .

The horses had gone, run from the storm, looking for cover, and on the wrong side of the now thundering ravine anyway. That meant their rucksacks were gone too. Kara was shivering, all wet, and the next steps of her plan were no good at all.

Kara had kissed her.

Admittedly, it was a cheek kiss, after she'd streaked mud all over Alex's face with he fingers, but her mouth had been warm against Alex's cold skin, and the panic that had filled Alex up had welled out of her into a sob that felt like a resolution. She couldn't lose her.  _ She couldn't lose her. _

Alex shuffled Sarabeth and her two calves into the shed off of the camping cabin. She checked the water and feed there and then headed inside. This was a little bit more set up than the other cabins, since it was so near the usual pastures, and Kara had felt her way over to a bench against the wall and was peeling herself out of her boots and jeans.

There was a chest in the corner and Alex rummaged through it--storm lantern and blankets and  _ thank god _ a camping stove. She lit the lantern and set up the spirit stove and then brought a heap of blankets over to Kara as well as the old quilted jacket she remembered she'd left here.

"Dry off good," she said. "The stove will warm it a little, but you don't want to be wet or you'll stay cold."

"I will," Kara said. There was something different in her voice, on her face, than there had been. Affection, maybe, but not the playful teasing kind she'd had before. It was something more serious now.

Alex wanted to escape it. She hustled back into the shed with the storm lantern, drying off the calves and checking again to make sure they weren't hurt from the excitement, before stripping off and drying herself.

One of Mr. Garland's old shirts had been in the heap of blankets she'd taken, so she put it on, tugging at the hem where it hit mid thigh, and paced up and down in the shed a few times before turning to glare at Sarabeth. "Stop looking at me funny," she said.

Sarabeth did not stop.

Alex sighed and stuck her hand into her hair, it drying into tangled clumps, and stepped back inside the cabin.

The camping stove had made it almost warm, and Kara was huddled in the quilted jacket, wrapped up like a sausage in the heap of blankets near it.

"Hey," she said when Alex came in.

"Hey," Alex managed.

"I'm cold," Kara said.

Alex swallowed hard, and then came around to her side. "Share your blankets with me?"

Kara grinned and opened up her blanket burrito until Alex slid in at her side. She immediately pressed her feet to Alex's thigh, and Alex yelped.

"God your feet are fucking ice cubes."

"Said I was cold."

"Ugh, give them here."

They shuffled around until Kara's foot was in Alex's lap, and Alex put her hands on it, rubbing warmth back into it.

"You know," Kara said. "It's been days since I've washed my feet. Those boots are not the most breathable either."

"I'm not going to claim to not stink either."

Kara laughed and leaned into her, sniffing at her neck. "Not bad, not bad, a slight aroma of cow."

Alex could turn her head and catch her lips so easily. They were so close. Under the quilted jacket, Kara wasn't wearing anything, everything hung up on the rope that stretched from rafter to rafter to dry. Her skin would be clammy at first, but it would warm under Alex's hands, like--slowly--her feet were doing. Together, they'd heat up fast, pressed close, tangled up in each other. Desire hit Alex like a brick to the gut. They'd make love. She  _ wanted _ to make love to Kara.

"That was pretty dangerous, what I did," Kara said, her voice odd. "Wasn't it?"

"Yeah," Alex said. The reminder of how close she'd come to drowning dropped horror into the place of desire. Kara was alive. That was all that mattered. She wanted to wrap her up in a hug again, but refrained, just rubbing her feet more firmly. "It was pretty stupid for me to go down there, but it's my job. You just volunteered."

"I wasn't scared."

"I said you were dumb. Didn’t even use the goddamn rope on your saddle."

Kara chuckled and gave Alex her other foot, tucking the warmed one underneath her. "I've been scared of everything for a while now. Somehow the flash flood that could have actually killed me, not so much."

Alex didn't know what it felt like to be Kara, but she knew what it felt like to have your life be full of so many difficult things that you couldn't do anything about any of them. She wouldn't offer cow-rescuing as a good way to deal with that kind of fear, but if it worked, it worked. She sighed. "I don't know. I feel like if you know what you need to do, you do it. You don't have time to get scared. It's not knowing what to do, not being able to fix anything, that makes the fear get huge." She scowled. "Not that I'm saying you  _ needed _ to go in and save that calf. But you thought you did."

"He would have died."

There was a little question in Kara's voice, as if she wasn't entirely sure that what she'd done was valuable. She hadn't seen how high the second rush was. It was so strong it was carrying stones down from the mountain on top of the water. "For sure," Alex said. "That calf would have died for  _ sure _ if you hadn't gotten him out."

"So it was good?"

Alex smacked her shoulder as hard as she could, and Kara let out a gasp of shock, but Alex was so pissed right now, fucking  _ angry _ . "Yes, it was good. But it was still stupid. It wouldn't have been good if you hadn't gotten out. It would have been the  _ worst _ if you hadn't gotten out. It would have been--"

Fuck, her throat was all full and trying to choke her and her eyes were stinging. She dealt with life and death all the time. It would have sucked to lose Sarabeth's calf, but she would have gone on, she would have managed. The prospect of Kara being swept away, hitting her head on a rock and getting drowned, it shouldn't have mattered so much. She'd known her for four days. But it felt like a gut punch. It felt like it would make her go splat all over like losing her dad had.

This was why she didn't want to be around people. She didn't want to care, didn't want to tie people to her so desperately that when they were gone part of her went with them. She could manage if she were alone. She just wanted to be able to manage.

She couldn't say any of those things.

Kara's arms wrapped around her from behind and she was drawn into her chest. Her torso was warm, her arms stronger than Alex would have guessed, and she tucked her chin onto Alex's shoulder and kept their bodies sealed close and tight. "I'm all right," Kara murmured.

"You're a fucking superhero," Alex said, the words escaping before she could check them. Kara laughed into her shoulder and shuffled them around until they were lying down on the blanket she'd spread over the floor.

"Daredevil?"

"As if Daredevil would ever rescue a goddamn cow. Nah, you're like . . . I don't know, Tony Stark."

Kara snorted and then clutched her close. "Oh my God, as if. Just thinking of Tony Stark coming out of a ravine carrying a baby cow. That is even  _ worse _ ." She was laughing though, and holding onto Alex tight, and Alex felt the strange sense of awareness of her body, of her need to touch her, love her, feel satiated. This was close enough. This was better than sex. Laughter and warmth and presence--

It was everything.

#

There was a body underneath her, breathing roughly in her face. Kara had been known for sprawling across anyone she slept with as a kid, but as an adult she'd been more tentative about taking over the whole bed, regardless of the lumpy person-mattress with her. But she loved to snuggle.

This, though, this was definitely bedmate=mattress.

She shifted to find purchase to push herself up and instead her hand found skin, side and hip, bare and smooth. A lover. The scent, thick and horsey and a lot like mud,  _ Alex _ .

The two thoughts didn't break against each other. Alex, her lover. That was nice. But Alex was still asleep, which meant no coffee. Kara sighed and snuggled down again onto her, letting her hand stroke over the smooth skin she'd found. She let her hand creep up, finding Alex's breast, covering it. It fit nicely in her hand. If she went back to sleep, maybe she'd wake up to coffee.

The coffee was with the horses.

Where were the horses?

Kara's hand froze. The storm; the cows; the flood.  _ Alex _ . Not her lover. They'd had to stay close for warmth. It was not appropriate to put her hands up her shirt and  _ grope _ her. Alex made a small noise and curled toward her. Oh shit.

As carefully as she could, Kara extracted her hand from under the oversized shirt that was all Alex was wearing and grimaced at she felt every place their skin touched. It was electric, over-sensitized, a little sweaty.

_ They could be truly sweaty, slick enough to move against each other without friction, Alex's thigh snug between her legs, Alex's throat exposed to her mouth. She wanted this. She'd want this whatever happened, finding Alex in the stables, hoisting her up onto the feed bins, fumbling with the buttons on her shirt--Alex's protests, Kara, I'm dirty, Kara, you can't, Mike will be here soon--Mike. _

Fuck.

Kara was out of the blanket cocoon and fumbling for her drying clothes as quickly as she could. Fabulous, her subconscious  _ liked _ the idea of carrying on an affair with Mike's ranch manager. Have her cake and eat it too, right?

But what else-- marry Mike and feel Alex's presence like a torch, or not marry Mike and go back to New York and never even speak to her again? There were no good options here. She had three days to decide.

Her jeans were still damp but she pulled them on anyway. Her bra was clammy under her breasts, and her shirt was chilly, though it did seem dry. Her hair was still damp and tangled and she didn't have any way to deal with it, so she separated it into three large tangled chunks and braided it back.

"Kar?" Alex mumbled. She was waking up.

"I guess we have to find the horses."

Alex startled awake. "Yes, right, fuck. I'll get dressed in the shed--"

Kara huffed, suddenly angry again. How could she be like this? How could she want Alex when she'd just found Mike, when she'd just promised herself to Mike? "I'm not going to be embarrassed by your naked blur," she snapped. "But if you still are, don't bother leaving, I'm going outside. I need sun."

She left, her face hot, angry and confused. That had been a big bunch of lies. Her vision was bad, but if someone was close up and off to the side, she could see enough to be embarrassed. And even if she'd kept her eyes shut the whole time, knowing Alex was naked in there with her, knowing she'd been nearly naked curled up in the blankets with her, it was enough to make her body glow with heat and her stomach churn.

Outside the sun was up and bright on her face, making the day smell of yesterday's rain. She basked in it, waiting for Alex to stumble out and tell her she was useless and that she was going to go find the horses on her own.

But she didn't.

"Let's get Sarabeth and co. down to the herd. Maybe the horses went back down there too. Here," she placed a swishy branch in Kara's hand. "If one of the cows starts to wander off course, just give a swish to encourage them back to the road."

"How should I know if we're off course?" Kara snapped, defensive.

Alex stood in front of her, silently, and god, Kara wished she could tell for sure if she was pissed or thoughtful. "You'll figure it out," she said, flatly, and Kara sighed. She was pissed.

Alex was great at making her feel like shit when she'd been acting like a toddler.

They started herding the reluctant cows down the road, but Alex didn't stay at her side. She moved ahead, quickly crossing from side to side, calling out for Argo and Bayard. Kara swished her stick at the calves when they blurred to one side or another, and gave Sarabeth a pat on the rump when she stopped and didn't feel like moving along.

Argo and Bayard had indeed rejoined the herd. When Alex and Kara arrived, they raced up, bedraggled and grumpy, with their gear still on. Bayard came straight to Kara and peremptorily demanded untacking. Kara dropped her swishy stick and obeyed.

"Here," Alex pressed a towel and currycomb into her hand, and Bayard let her rub him down and give him a brush.

When the horses were happy again, munching on grass and whapping each other with their tails, Kara calmed down also. It had been an emotional night and awkward morning, but Alex was her friend. That was what was important. She didn't even know if Alex was queer. There was no reason to assume that Alex would be into her. Any attraction-- she could just put it away, like she did with all the attractions she had when she was in a monogamous relationship or the target was inappropriate or not interested. Alex wasn't any different.

They sat on a stone and pulled open the rucksacks which had mostly stayed dry. Alex treated her to more cheese and pickle sandwiches. By then, Kara was starving, and was leaning heavily on the side of cheese and pickles being  _ absolutely delicious.  _ She devoured four.

"I don't know about you," Alex said when Kara was scarfing down her last sandwich. "But I'm feeling positively grimy."

"Wait," Kara said through a mouthful of pickle. "You're telling me you actually feel dirt? You don't just live your life in a lining of soil like that kid who grew radishes on her body in Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle?"

Alex's huff was enough to know that the teasing was well taken. "You keep being mean to me and I won't show you the hotsprings."

"There are  _ hotsprings _ ?" Kara yelped. "And you kept them a  _ secret _ ?"

Now Alex was laughing at her. "Sure are. If you're nice to me, maybe we can saunter up and spend the afternoon there."

"I'm nice! I can be nice!" What wouldn't Kara give to go to the  _ hotsprings _ ? She found Alex's thigh and pressed her hand down on it, leaning over her. "I can be  _ very _ nice."

She felt Alex's pulse jump.

Too close. She was too close.

Oh God, she really didn't need to know whether or not Alex would say yes if she made a move. Kara loosed her leg, tried to rebalance, and nearly fell off the rock. Alex grabbed her shoulder until she righted herself.

"Hey," Alex said, laughing at her. "Don't get too excited. We don't need you getting into more trouble after last night."

Kara gathered herself and fumbled around in her rucksack for her cane. "I'm ready to go when you are." She unfolded it with a flick, enjoying the clacks as it came together. It had taken her a while to get used to it, but she liked it, just an extra sense, a double check, to let her be more confident. She'd take all the confidence she could get.

Especially if it meant she didn't have to lean on Alex. She didn't need to be so close to her today.

They took their rucksacks and started the hike. It was about an hour away, up hill. Kara didn't mind up hill, down was worse, even though after the walk this morning and then sitting and getting stiff her bruised knee was killing her. She strode along, ignoring the pain, too excited about the prospect of being properly warm again to worry about aches and pains or the problems that might be coming in a few days' time.

She could smell the hotspring first, and feel it in the soil, the underbrush going thicker and darker. Then they came around an outcropping, and Kara could feel the radiant warmth from it and hear the ripple of water.

"It should be cool enough to get in after the storm. If it hasn't rained for a while, sometimes it will burn you."

"Wow." Kara slowly tested the way forward, feeling mud and roots under the soles of her boots.

"Come on." Alex was moving--stripping down.

Kara froze. Naked or underwear, she still was not sure it was a good idea to have a dip in the hotsprings with the girl she could no longer pretend she wasn't attracted to.

"Is this where Mike's infamous skinny-dipping incident took place?" she asked, trying to repress her stammer.

"Uh," Alex's quick movements stopped. "No.” The ‘Mike tone’ was back. “That was on the other side of the ranch--diving pool, an old mine. Actually, he doesn't know about this. No one does. It's my place. I like to get away from people, and it's a good place to do it."

And she'd brought Kara there.

"You're a sweetheart," Kara said. She couldn't not say it. It was true, and it made everything harder.

"Well, you're not  _ people _ , like everyone else. You're okay."

Kara could have teased her then. If she wasn't people, was she cow? What did Alex do all alone with her animals all the time? But she didn't. "Thanks," she said, and started unbuttoning her shirt. Alex was a good person, and kind. Kara wasn't going to try to make her screw that up.

Alex didn't try to help her find her way into the spring, which was a relief, and Kara heard the splash as she jumped in. Kara found the water with her foot, and oh, it was so hot, steamy, like a bath, and sealing around her numb toes. She slid in. The water wrapped around her, the warmest blankets, the sweetest feeling, like someone she loved holding her tight.

"It's good, isn't it?"

"It's  _ amazing _ ."

They soaked until all of the aches and pains that had been building up felt like they were melted away. Kara's bruised knee throbbed as the heat pulled blood into it.

"Here." Alex had climbed out and was rummaging in her rucksack. She handed Kara a can of what turned out to be soda, and tugged her over to some stones where they could sit in the water rather than float.

Kara sipped at the soda and leaned back, eyes shut, in the water. The chilly air nipped her nose, but the heat from the water filled her whole body with comfort. "This is perfect."

There was a small swish as Alex flapped her foot in Kara's general direction. Embarrassed, Kara guessed. Kara liked embarrassing Alex by complimenting her. It  _ was _ perfect. But a slow longing in Kara's chest made her sure that she couldn't keep it.

"You're so lucky to have found this place--to have ended up in a place like this, whatever you had to go through to get here."

Alex was silent for a bit and then she sighed. "You're right," she said. "I am."

They were quiet for a few minutes longer. Then Alex spoke again.

"I washed out when my dad died. I didn't-- I didn't know how to deal with feeling so much, and I didn't think I  _ ought _ to feel so much; I was a grown up. At 23 you think you're a grown-up. Death was a life experience, something that happened to everyone. Needing help meant I was weak, and I couldn't be  _ weak. _ I was going to be a doctor. Oncology was my jam, and then, boom, I was in the wrong place, not the know-it-all doctor, not the person with influence over life and death, but one of the waiting-room sad-sacks. My dad was always upbeat even when he was so fucking tired. And it just ripped through him, and still he was upbeat, still he thought the world of me, that I could do anything."

Kara swallowed hard and didn't move. The soda tasted salty, like tears.

"He was gone, in record time. All I could remember was that he thought I could do anything, so I tried to do everything. But I couldn't love it anymore. It fucked me up, trying to be clinical when my dad was dead. But I couldn't be like, I'm having a breakdown, let me take a semester off, because he'd been so upbeat while he was  _ dying _ . I had to be like him, keep going in spite of everything. I didn't need time to grieve."

Alex's voice was scratchy.

"You'll be shocked to know that that wasn't actually true."

"Shocked," Kara said, on automatic. Everything in her hurt for Alex.

"I fucked up a lot of things trying to be everything, do everything, when all I wanted to do was be numb. It took me a long time to think maybe he wouldn't want me to be miserable all the time. Maybe he'd want me to be happy."

"Of course he would."

"I know that now," Alex's voice warmed to wryness. "But it took me a fucking long time to get there. And being here, finding a place I found myself be happy in spite of myself, that was important. Knowing that I could be happy, that I wasn't a failure at everything, that some things I could do well and other things were out of my control, that was all so important. The ranch manager who was here before me taught me a lot of that, hiring me as a hand when I was a soft-palmed science kid. And a drunk."

A warm hand suddenly clasped Kara's shoulder and she looked up, flinching as what she saw of Alex disappeared into a dark spot, and then she jerked her head over to see as much as she could, knowing this was important, that Alex was talking to  _ her _ , not just talking.

"I want to be that for you if it's something you need," Alex said. "I want you to be able to feel like this place is somewhere you can be happy, be valued. You might be a spoiled rich kid, but you're stupid brave, and you care. You being here is a gift to this place." There was a pause, and then suddenly the hand was gone, and there was a splash. "Oh man, just heard myself saying that to my future  _ boss _ ."

Kara laughed softly, but inside she ached. It was what she wanted; it was something she'd never known she wanted, but did. But she knew so much more about Alex now; she knew how her boots were scuffed, the leather soft, how her jeans were worn and cottony smooth under her fingers, how she'd plopped her hat on Kara's head during a storm, to keep her dry while letting the water stream down her own face as she headed down into the ravine to get her favorite cow to safety. It was so clear that she was the real thing, and Mike had only ever been playing at being the cowboy. He had shiny boots and stiff new jeans and would hate it if his hat got wet. He'd never go down into a potential flood area to save a cow--she knew that. He wouldn't even go into the subway entrance to retrieve his wallet when it fell down the steps. (He had a car service. Kara had mocked him for it, and he'd gotten offended. But she'd figured out how to use the subway again two weeks after Astra had dragged her out of her apartment.) He'd been talking about three months in Aruba and he'd meant it. He spent time in New York and San Francisco and Austin every year. He didn't love this place, not like Alex did.

But he owned it, and without him, Kara didn't belong here.

"Thank you," she said, eventually. It was all she really could say. "For everything."

#


	7. Chapter 7

Alex was sure she'd embarrassed herself saying all that to Kara. And though she'd done her best to keep her eyes averted, spending the afternoon naked together in a pool was not the way to forget about the goddamn crush she seemed to have developed. And yet, none of it had really made things uncomfortable. Kara had gentled, somehow, not defensive around her anymore, just a little sad. Alex didn't want her to be sad, but sometimes Alex liked to sit with her sadness too, and didn't want someone to try to jolly her out of it, so she just made sure Kara knew she was there.

When they'd warmed up thoroughly and scrubbed up as best they could in the very mineral-laden pool, they'd dried off and dressed, then walked back down to say goodbye to the herd. Bayard gave a great big sigh at the prospect of being tacked up again, and Alex laughed, reaching out to squeeze Kara's shoulder.

"Don't let him be a brat," she said. "But there's a nice place to camp about a mile thataway. We can leave the cinches loose and just walk them over."

It was a short enough walk to the wide-canopied juniper, and Alex put the horses on a highline and fed them while Kara built a fire.

Alex had potatoes to roast in the campfire and a good bite of meat, with stale bread that toasted up well, and cheese and chutney and chocolate. Kara, who had far more of an appetite than Alex had expected, fell upon the repast with enthusiasm, and it felt easy to be around her, to talk about the sort of things you spoke to new friends about, plans and past triumphs and interests and people.

After Alex's awkward confession at the hotsprings, she was reluctant to share more, but Kara filled the silence, telling stories about Astra, her favorite aunt, and all of the scrapes they'd gotten into together, in particular that time Astra had taken it upon herself to teach her sex ed by bringing her to a strip club in Long Island City--the subsequent fight between her aunt and her mother had been epic--and how she'd been the person Kara could go to, without question, when she'd found herself on the precipice of sex with her first girlfriend and terrified she was going to be  _ bad _ .

The casual admittance that Kara had been with girls as well as guys thumped into Alex's gut. Her own experiences with women had all happened through a haze of liquor and were mostly lost to the spotty memory of early alcoholism. She wouldn't claim to know what she was doing. Kara, on the other hand, had a smugly confident demeanor when she spoke about it that made it clear that she'd gotten over her nerves and was perfectly satisfied with her performance.

Alex didn't know what to do with that revelation and found herself rambling in response. "I never had anyone to talk about that sort of stuff. I tried with my mom, once. Just trying to figure out whether I could ask her, I don't really enjoy this, is there something wrong with me? She waved me away. 'Most men aren't very good in bed,' she said. 'You'll find someone you click with.' I really didn't need to know that my mom had enough experience to say 'most men aren't very good in bed.'."

"Oh my God." Kara laughed, slapping her knee. "I would never have asked my  _ mom _ . I'm friends with my mom, but not that kind of friends."

Alex knew that the way she'd said that she could still pretend to be straight or just plain nullset-asexual. It felt shy, when Kara was easy about things. But Alex had never been easy about things, and being too easy with Kara could be misread as an advance, and she didn't want that either.

They shifted to talking about friends. Maggie, the cop who'd bought Alex coffee every time she was let out of the drunk tank--she'd thought maybe Maggie had been trying to ask her out, but no, Maggie really had just thought she looked that pathetic. She'd been the one to finally stuff the bus ticket in Alex's hand and tell her to get out of LA, dry herself out, and just go.

Kara's friends had been aggressive young artists, Leslie and her electric installations, Adam and his giant murals of buttoned up people having sex. It was Kara's professor, the infamous Cat Grant, who'd decided that her Sci-Fi landscapes were the hot new thing, and got her shows and really launched her.

"I never told her what was going on. I feel like she'd be disappointed in me, in not pushing forward, figuring out how to make it work. She always talked about how hard things were for her and she never gave in; me giving in would be such a disappointment. So instead I just dropped off the face of the earth."

"I think--" Alex said slowly, "--that it would be good if you wrote her. I feel like she might not be someone who would know how to respond right away to something like this, but if you told her that you were okay she'd be relieved to know. Making it a letter might give her a chance to figure out what to say. Sometimes being sad about someone having to make a hard choice reads a lot like disappointment, even though it's not."

Alex was pretty sure her mom just wanted her to know that she still believed in her, but the light comments about 'potential' and 'options' were hard to take. She wasn't going back to medicine, but if she told her mom to stop bringing it up she'd be sure it meant that Alex was oversensitive about it and that meant she was probably denying herself something she wanted and therefore needed  _ extra _ pressure. "That's from experience. I still have a hard time talking to my mom."

"Yeah," Kara said. "That's a good idea. I'd like to write her."

They were the kind of conversations you had with someone destined to become a close friend. It would hurt, Alex knew, to watch Kara marry Mike, but if it meant she got to have Kara as a friend, she thought it would be worth it.

#

Kara woke up to the smell of coffee, blinking until she was sure the greyness was the haze of early dawn. Alex was up earlier than usual.

"We have a long ride today," Alex said as she pushed a mug of coffee into Kara's hands. Kara yawned deeply and took a sip of the coffee and gave a sigh of pleasure.

"Don't care, still love you," she mumbled.

Alex laughed softly. "I know you're talking to the coffee."

"Maybe," Kara grinned at her. She loved how open Alex was to her needling. "Maybe not."

Alex made aww-shucks scuffling sounds and coughed, clearly trying to figure out how to change the subject. "The horses will need a couple of breaks, but if we push through over the top we should make it back in time for dinner."

Kara froze. "Make it back?"

"To the main house." 

Kara couldn't find words. How could they be going back, already?

When she didn't speak, Alex hesitantly added. "Gotta get you back in time for your wedding, right?"

"Right," Kara said, her voice coming out shaky. "But he said six days. I thought we had one more."

"Six days," Alex said, "five nights. Wedding is scheduled for tomorrow morning. I figured you'd want to sleep in a bed and have a real shower before you get all fancy."

"Oh," said Kara. Her chest was tight. It was hard to draw breath. A wedding in the distant future was fine, but a wedding  _ tomorrow _ , it made her want to choke. But she'd said yes. She'd promised Mike. "I guess you're right."

"I'm . . . happy to take you along again, when you get back from your honeymoon."

"Thank you," Kara said, but she knew it sounded cold.

Who would she be when she got back from her honeymoon? After three months in Aruba with Mike, would she transform to make things easier, let Mike determine what she should do, think, enjoy?  _ Mrs. Mon-El Garland _ .

Crap.

She saddled up Bayard and they set off, Alex passing her things to munch on from her rucksack, but Kara didn't feel hungry today. Everything was happening too fast.

"You've known Mike for a while," Kara asked. "Longer than me. Tell me what are your impressions of him."

Alex went dead silent. After a few yards she stammered, "You don't-- You don't want me to talk about that."

"I  _ do _ ," Kara snapped. "You think I'm just going to marry someone I've known for less than a year without asking people I  _ trust _ what they think of him? I might be blind but I don't want to walk into something without checking what's ahead!"

Alex was silent again, but it was a different sort of silence. "Cold feet?" she asked.

_ Want to rub them again? _ Kara slammed down the intrusive thought. "Yeah," she said. "It's normal, right?"

"Hell, yes." Alex's tone was a bit amused. "I had a panic attack before I was about to start my MD-PhD program. My dad talked me down. Marriage is a big thing. I mean, I don't have any advice on the subject in particular, I've never had a boyfriend for longer than a month, and those commitment milestones like moving in with someone have not appeared on my radar."

"I've done the little things," Kara said. "I've had long term relationships, I've lived with people. I've even been  _ engaged _ before. This shouldn’t really be that different, right? I should be able to use that experience to make the right choices. I just . . . it feels different, permanent, like once I go in I can't get out. But if I want out of this, it’s difficult, but it’s possible. It isn’t a death sentence. It just-- I feel like after my diagnosis everything seems heavier, more permanent. Maybe it’s all down to that."

"You've been engaged before?"

"Mm, yeah.” Kara laughed at the memory. She’d been such a kid. “Stephanie Brown. We were twenty-one, had lived together for two semesters of college, half of the first one as just friends. It was stupid, but she was going off to train in India and I think she was freaking out. She broke it off over email two months into her trip." Kara shook her head, still amused. "I was not heartbroken."

"Would you have married her?"

"Probably not." Kara flipped back through her rather extensive string of relationships. All of them had been fine. She liked people and people liked her, and she knew how to be kind when things were going wrong, and get out of relationships without a lot of pain. Nothing had been so serious it had felt like heartbreak to lose it. Maybe that was a problem, not a gift. Maybe it meant she was damaged.

"I've been with a lot of people,” she said. “But I don't know if I've ever been in love. Maybe it's just not something I can feel."

Alex was silent again, for a long time. "I thought the same thing for a while," she said finally. 

Kara lifted her head. She’d never had someone have the same thought before. All of her friends had felt so strongly, been so broken-up about everything. She’d mostly kept her thoughts to herself, not wanting to not seem normal.

"I guess I just I don't think people ‘fall in love.’” Alex said. “Not all of a sudden, like a big rush of a thing. I think maybe they get crushes or get hot for someone, and sometimes they become friends, and they think, hey, I like this. I’m going to work at it. And if they both work at it, it can turn into love. Like scar-tissue. Cut after cut until the mass of it is so much larger than the wound itself. Taking it out leaves a gouge that never really heals up."

Alex’s voice was so steady, so contemplative, and the words seemed to hit right into Kara’s core. "You're saying you choose it,” she said. “You pick someone, and you decide that you're going to fall in love, and if you stick to that decision, you do."

"Yeah. I guess that is what I’m saying."

Kara let Bayard carry her along for a while in silence. She'd been waiting, she thought, for the lightning to strike, waiting for the undeniable love that lasted. But the relationships she'd worked at, the ones that had been difficult, and yet resulted in great things--like with Professor Grant--were the ones that weighed on her the most heavily now. Love not being easy, and having that be what made it strong--it made sense to her. Her mom and her aunt had the most acrimonious relationship, and yet she knew they loved each other more deeply than most siblings she'd met. It made sense that they loved each other so much  _ because _ they fought so much. They disagreed and hurt each other, but they solved it, they came back together in the end. She was pretty sure Aunt Astra would kill someone to look out for her mom, and her mom would wrongly convict someone to keep Aunt Astra safe. Her parents too had a connection that spoke of many disagreements solved with compromise, knowing each other's limits, trust.

Could she commit to that with Mike? Could she commit to it with anyone?

"Please tell me," Kara asked softly. "Tell me about your relationship with Mike."

Alex sighed. "Here's what I think," she said. "I've never seen him as into anyone as you. He's always prided himself on being a fun guy. He's had lots of girlfriends, but none of them serious or exclusive. I'm pretty sure he's had boyfriends too, but he doesn't broadcast it. His mom would not be thrilled, and more than anything, he's a momma's boy. If she doesn't like you, he'll probably stop liking you. I know you're here with me because you're avoiding your parents, but you might also be here because Mike is freaking out about introducing you to Rhea."

Oh shit. Alex had gone straight for the Oedipal stuff. This was serious.

"But, if you're going to be mistress here, you're going to have to face down Rhea at some point, and honestly, I think it will be a good day when you do. For me and the ranch. Not for you or Mike."

"Oh wow, this sounds awesome."

Alex chuckled weakly. "I don’t think Mike is a bad guy. I just don’t think he knows what he wants out of life and if you don’t put your foot down he’s going to ask for whatever his mom tells him he should want. An heiress wife is good. A gorgeous wife, also good. Though you might be just gorgeous enough that she’ll be jealous."

Kara let out a small embarrassed mumble. She liked how Alex had said that she was gorgeous--matter of fact, not a compliment with an agenda, just the truth. 

"But a wife who loves the ranch and might have ideas about how to run it? I don’t know what she’ll think of that. If Mike loves you enough to listen to you over his mom? Watch out for poison. And if he doesn’t…"

If he didn’t it would mean that he hadn’t chosen her in that way Alex had mentioned. It meant she was a pretty prize, but not a partner.

Getting Alex’s perspective on this was far more complex than she’d thought it would be. In her previous relationships, she’d never had to figure out where she fit in someone’s family, how she’d interact with their business. She didn’t have a lot of experience with business. She’d managed her own art career, her parents funding a lot of it at the beginning, but she’d started to break even. But that had been all her own decisions, she hadn’t had to get her ideas through a committee. It felt difficult, like a challenge she didn’t know if she was up for, a fight she wouldn’t enjoy trying to win.

"At least I have you on my side," Kara said.

Alex laughed. "I want you on mine. You will listen to me, right?"

" _ Obviously _ . You know what you're doing."

"Thank you! Rhea does not agree." Alex huffed. "Honestly, if things continued like they have been, I don't know how long I'd stay. I love this place, but Rhea is always trying to cut my budget, and Mike, who's never worked a day in his life, is off galavanting around the world, spending--"

She stopped.

Kara swallowed, letting Bayard carry her onwards. She’d realized something. She said it. "I don't think I'd want to be here if you weren't here."

The words were out.

" _ Kara _ ." Alex's voice was soft.

She didn't say anything after that. Kara didn't say anything either.

They stopped to let the horses rest on a hillside where long grasses grew. Alex suggested lunch, but Kara shook her head, knowing she wouldn't eat it. The reality of tomorrow was too big, too near. She sat in the grass letting the sun shine on her face. Alex was beside her, not too near, not too far, too far to touch, but close enough that Kara could hear her breathe.

"What are you going to do tomorrow?" Alex asked, as soft as the breeze stirring the junipers.

Kara wished she knew.

"I guess I have to figure that out."

Maybe she’d feel differently when she saw Mike again, when she could smell him, and he would wrap her up tight in his arms. But a lurking fear in her stomach made her wonder if he'd always only been a stepping stone, something to help her out of a trap she'd fallen into, but not a destination in himself. She could choose him, she could choose to fall in love with him, but if she did that she'd have to make certain other choices, have to support him over Alex in ranch business, have to listen to Rhea and make nice with her. If she loved Mike, she'd have to drive Alex away.

If she married him without deciding to love him, then all of the things Alex had said would come in handy. She could leverage the marriage to make Mike agree with her, to overrule Rhea, to get what Alex wanted done. It might be better in the long run, for the ranch and for Mike--if getting out from under his mother's thumb was good for him--but it would be dishonest. She also knew that under those circumstances it would be far too easy to cheat on him with Alex. If Mike still loved his trips out of town, and Kara was having serious late-night meetings about the ranch with the manager, it would be so easy to lean in and press her mouth to Alex's cheek, take her hand and move it to Kara's waist,  _ I’m so lonely _ . It was wrong, but it was tempting. It was the only choice where she had a chance to be with Alex.

Her other option was simple, break the engagement. She didn't have to go home, she knew that now. She had choices, and she was wealthy enough to take her time exploring and figuring them out. She could do anything. Almost anything.

Kara's hand brushed against Alex's, cool where it lay in grass. She placed hers on top of it, holding it down.

The trouble was, she was pretty sure she knew what she wanted, and it was the one thing she couldn't have.

#


	8. Chapter 8

Alex didn't press Kara to talk on the second leg of the journey. she didn't know if she wanted her to talk. She was very sure she didn't know what she wanted her to say.

She was marrying Mike tomorrow. And if she wasn't . . .

If she wasn't, it still didn't have anything to do with Alex. It just meant she was leaving. She couldn't not marry Mike and then  _ stay _ .

It was almost a relief. Alex just wished she had the nerve to kiss her before she left.

When they reached the last high ridge, Argo started to pick up speed, sensing the nearness of his stable. But at the peak, Alex reined him in, Bayard stopping alongside.

Down in the valley below the main house was lit up, more than usual. If Alex squinted she thought there might be twinkly lights strung around the paddock.

Mike had gone all out for the wedding.

"It's right down there," Alex said. "Maybe two miles. Be there in a half an hour if you want."

Kara seemed to be looking in the direction of the main house, but Alex didn't know what she was seeing. She didn't know what she was thinking either.

"I don't," Kara said.

"Mm?"

"I don't want to be there in a half an hour. The wedding's not until eleven. I want to spend one more night out here. With you."

Alex's diaphragm clenched tight. She nodded, though in the dark of evening, she was pretty sure Kara hadn't seen it. There was a good enough place to camp a little ways back, and Alex turned Argo around and headed to it. Bayard pricked up his ears and followed.

Both horses were a little unsettled by this turn of events, so close to home but not going there, but while Kara built a fire, Alex gave them a rub and a talking to, to calm them down.

They feasted on the last of what Alex had in her sack-- toasted cheese and pickle sandwiches on very stale bread, sitting out on their bedrolls by the fire. Kara sat close to her, close enough that their sides touched, and she was warm and her scent--ripe and horsey--pleasantly filled Alex's nose.

"I want you to know," Kara said, very softly, "that whatever I do tomorrow, I am not going to do anything dishonorable." Her hand found Alex's, where it rested on her thigh, and her fingertips traced patterns over the back of it. "I'd never ask you to do anything wrong. I'm just . . ." She nosed into Alex's neck, and Alex felt her lips press right under her ear. A quake ran through Alex, down to her core. "I want to pretend we don't have to go anywhere tomorrow, that we can just keep on traveling, like this. No ties, no promises."

She rested her head against Alex's, her hair--definitely not the silky smooth waves she'd had at the beginning of this trip, but beautiful all the same--falling over Alex's shoulder against the soft cambric of her shirt.

There was something so quiet, yet so clear about the touch. Alex gently wrapped her arm around Kara's waist, cosseting her close. Kara breathed out, warm against her.

"I'd like that," Alex murmured. "I'd like keeping you along."

They fire was dying down, a chill on the air. Kara leaned in, reaching across to trace her fingers down the line of Alex's jaw. She found the corner of Alex's mouth with her thumb, and gently tilted her head, turning it towards her. And then, lips dry and a little chapped, smelling of horse and six days on the road, Kara kissed her.

The kiss was so soft it almost felt like an apology, a--this could have been something, but nothing but this remains. It didn't matter. Alex kissed her back.

#

Alex's firm, serious mouth pressed warm into hers, gentle and undemanding in a way Kara wasn't used to. There was affection in it, sweetness. Kara felt that she could sit here by the fire trading kisses with Alex forever.

She reached out, catching Alex's arm, for better leverage. The ropey muscle under her hand sent a jolt into her. Alex's lips parted, and the soft wanting that had been lingering in Kara for days opened up, revealing heat.

Kara kissed her, eager but teasing, pressing one to her upper lip than two to the lower, until Alex's hand clasped her back, pulling her in, asking for more, and Kara slotted her mouth against Alex's, humming into it, questing for the friction of Alex's tongue.

There. Oh. Rough and wet and living, Kara's insides lurched, and this was no longer enough. She fisted the front of Alex's soft shirt and swung her knee over her legs, settling into her lap, using the angle it gave her to tip up her chin and kiss her again. Alex let out a soft helpless sound into her kiss, and Kara laughed against her mouth.

"You're adorable."

"Shut up," Alex grumbled, her hands firm around Kara's ribs.

"No." Kara kissed her again, on the cheek and on the nose and on the corner of her lips until Alex caught her head and brought their lips back together once more. "You're adorable," Kara gasped after that sweet, intense, open mouth kiss had ended. "I adore you."

Alex made a soft noise of surprise, and when Kara kissed her again, overbalanced and fell onto her back with Kara on top of her. Kara didn't let this stop her, and Alex met her, equally eager, wonderfully rough. She rolled them onto their sides, and sought out Kara's mouth, hands in Kara's hair, Kara met her, eyes shut tight, wrapping her arms around Alex, letting one hand slide down to grope her ass, pleased at Alex's yelp.

Honestly, she'd take any excuse to get her hands on it, and right now, no excuse was necessary.

#

Alex had never been very good at all this, but she was sure she'd lost any skill she'd had by now. She couldn't think, couldn't even kiss properly, just rub her mouth against Kara's, her hand cupping the soft nape of her neck. It hurt to kiss her, like the burn of balsamic vinegar, too sharp, too sweet. It was almost a relief to know she couldn't keep her, wouldn't suffer these acid kisses until they ate her away from the inside. And yet Alex wanted to kiss her forever, could kiss her forever and never get bored.

Kara's legs wrapped around her hips, gripping her like a pony she was riding bareback. One hand kneaded at her ass utterly unselfconsciously, the other unbuttoned her shirt. She tugged Alex's lower lip between her teeth and pushed her hand up under the band of her sports bra at the same time. Alex gasped into her mouth, and Kara laughed, smug as a cat.

She planted kisses on Alex's cheek and her ear as she palmed her breast and whispered, "Is this a good time to mention that I've groped you before. You were asleep though, and I was like, you know, probably impolite. But I've wanted to spend quality time with your boobs ever since."

Alex sputtered helplessly, feeling not just her face get hot but all the way down her chest. She wasn't used to being  _ wanted _ , and definitely not so blatantly. She felt like she was suddenly on a raft on a moving river when she hadn't realized she'd stepped off the dock. This was heading towards sex with the inevitability of coming rapids. "We're just gonna--"

Kara's hands were suddenly on her face, thumbs stroking down her cheekbones, and then pressing her fingers to her brows and the corner of her mouth. "Is that okay?"

"I-- uh. Yes?"

Kara leaned closer, close enough so the breath from her words spilled warm and humid over Alex's face. "You sure?"

The thought of Kara closing around her fingers, warm and wet as her breath, clutching at them, all silk and velvet, made her melt. " _ Yes _ ."

"Thank God, I think I'd die if I didn't get to put my mouth on you."

Alex had no idea how she could be so embarrassed and so aroused all at once.

"You're just going to get naked outside? It's cold."

"I'll keep you warm." Kara's grin was bright in her words. "Oooh, but hold on."

She was up all of a sudden, moving through the darkness without hesitation. She was shucking her jeans and fumbling with the sleeping bags--feeling for the edges and zipping them together.

Alex sat up, trying to figure out what had happened to her shirt. The last few buttons were still fastened, but twisted around behind her. She considered rebuttoning, she could sleep in this shirt, and then laughed at herself. She unfastened the last few buttons and let it drop onto the dirt, then peeled off her bra.

She headed over to help Kara with the zipping, but she'd gotten the bags together, and when she touched her shoulder, Kara turned into her finding her mouth for another kiss. Her hand gripped Alex's bare arm and she made a surprised--no,  _ astonished-- _ noise into her mouth.

" _Alex._ " Kara tucked her head into Alex's shoulder, her mouth open and wet on the trapezius muscle. Her hands closed around Alex's waist and slid up, tucking right under her shoulderblades, then moving forward around her rib cage, blocking her out. She slid her hands up, catching the undersides of Alex's breasts in the stretch of index finger and thumb. She shuddered, seeming overwhelmed, and Alex cradled the back of her head in one hand, letting the other cup the small of her back.

Unsure but daring to try, Alex let that hand slide down over Kara's thin underwear. She squeezed, and Kara cursed breathily in her ear.

She shifted just enough towards Alex's hand that the tips of her fingers slid inadvertently between Kara's legs. So hot, so wet. Alex hissed in a breath, retracting her fingers like it burned. That much? Kara wanted her that much? Already?

"Oh god, I can't." Kara pulled back and a plunge of fear dropped in Alex's chest.

"You--"

But Kara's hands were at her jeans, unbuttoning them, unzipping, dragging them down. "Down, now."

She pulled Alex down and into the sleeping bags. Alex kicked off her boots and untangled her jeans from her ankles and was in there, with her, and Kara was sitting on top of her again, pulling the big sleeping bag up over her head like a tent, kissing her wetly, and shucking her shirt, and then moving down, cupping her breasts and lowering her mouth to them.

Kara's wet warm mouth closed around Alex's nipple, and Alex arched, suddenly soaked, every nerve ending electric.

The world outside the bedrolls disappeared. Everything was Kara.

That was all she ever wanted it to be.

#


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MISSING CHAPTER, WTF

Kara came for the third time around Alex's fingers, pushing up into her, one heel skidding across the inside of the sleeping bag, looking for purchase. Alex knelt over her, Kara' other leg hooked around her waist. Alex let her fingers stay inside until the aftershocks had finished, and Kara grasped her around the shoulders and dragged her down, panting into her neck, sweat slickening their bodies against each other. Kara licked her lips, pleased about the taste lingering there, and kissed whatever part of Alex was nearest, not caring what it was.

Alex withdrew her fingers and settled in close to her, rolling them both onto their sides and wrapping her arms around Kara, tracing slickness up her spine to her nape. Kara found her face, pressing her thumb against the middle of her lower lip, and then kissing over it. She drew her thumb back and kissed her again, warm and relaxed.

Alex kissed her back, smiling into it. "How you doing?" she murmured.

"Fuck you," Kara mumbled against her skin. "I should have never challenged you."

"I like challenges that are so easy to beat."

" _ Fuck _ ." Sure, Kara wasn't  _ hard _ to get off, but not so many so quick. Especially not the first time with someone new. Goddamn Alex. Her whole shy and uncertain schtick was garbage. She was way too quick on the uptake for her own good.

"Yes. That is what we did."

"You're the worst." Kara cupped the inside of Alex's thigh and slid up. Alex shuddered under her touch.

At least that was affirming. She was tempted to go back down, seal her mouth over Alex again, make her cry out the way she had the first time. But she liked to linger and take her time going down on girls. Alex was already tense, her breath rough. Too close. Kara rocked her hand against Alex, Alex's breath catching, her torso melting against Kara's. She was so wet from coming that Kara's hand slipped against her easily, fingers pushing in too far back, and Alex gave a surprised little cry into her shoulder, and Kara's grip tightened around her waist. Fuck, there was so much about Alex's body she wanted to explore, so much about Alex she wanted to know.

But they only had tonight.

Kara kept her hand steady, letting her fingers circle just enough, Alex pinned to her by her waist, thrashing like a fish, and then she came, warm and liquid and with a breathy half-suppressed cry that was so fucking hot. It was enough, and they curled up together, Alex's breathing slowing and evening out, Kara combing her fingers through her sex mussed hair.

"Alex," she mumbled, not wanting anything from it, just liking the sound of her name on her tongue. "You're so special."

It was a little bit of a miracle, Kara thought, half asleep, to just have met someone like her, to have had the chance to know her. In spite of everything, in spite of what was coming, she felt lucky. She got to hold her and love her, tonight.

Alex nuzzled into her shoulder. "Mm? Not like you."

#

Dawn always came early out of doors and Alex woke to find Kara sprawled out over her, naked, her head nestled into the crook of Alex's neck. Her back was smooth under Alex's hand. Alex let her fingers trail down it, slick in the sweat that had pooled in the divots of her spine. The sunlight lit her nose and cheek and her filthy hair.

Alex watched her, not wanting to move or wriggle out from under her warm weight. She didn't know how she'd gotten here, didn't believe she could have gotten here, and yet it didn't feel strange. It felt like she'd always been meant to be here, with Kara.

Too bad when it wasn't just  _ here and now, Alex and Kara _ , everything got messed up.

Alex stared up at the ridges, the high desert, the blue and pink dawn sky and breathed out. She loved this ranch. She knew that. She knew what it gave back--peace of mind and healthy exhaustion and challenges that she knew how to solve. Kara couldn't give her any of those things, and it was dumb as nails, but she thought that she'd probably follow her back to New York if she asked.

She wouldn't ask, though, and that was why Alex didn't feel bad about how gone she was. Kara had asked for tonight, promised nothing, and would make her own choices. Alex would manage. That was good enough.

Eventually, Alex extracted herself and went to find her jeans and poke up the fire, heat water for coffee. She pulled on a shirt, not bothering to button it, and rummaged for anything to eat for breakfast. There was nothing, so she chewed a bit of straw and stirred the grounds into the boil.

"Mmm, I smell coffee," Kara mumbled from her bedroll.  _ Their _ bedroll.

"Coming up."

This time when she took it, she didn't say I love you. But she cupped Alex's shoulder, squeezing it gently. It felt like the same words. It felt like she meant them.

They sat and drank coffee on the ridge, staying quiet.

Alex wasn't sure how happy she'd be riding after so much sex, but it wasn't a long ways down to the main house. They tacked up Argo and Bayard, Alex patting her big boy and minding him how happy he'd be to be back home.

But she wouldn't be.

Before they mounted up from a big old stone, Kara caught Alex's shoulder, stroking down it, and drawing her around to face her.

"Thank you," Kara said softly, too close for real speaking, just breathing the words into her hair. "For everything."

And then she kissed Alex, her mouth warm, her kiss gentle and sad, and Alex took it in, for what it was, letting herself feel it like she hadn't let herself feel so much, and kissed her back.

Kara's hands caught her back, one up one mid and clutched her close, as if she was the one who needed Alex, and Alex wrapped her arms around her, holding her as tightly as she could, letting their mouths catch and release as if by kissing as many times as they could now it would be the same as having kisses far into the future.

But it wasn't. Argo put his nose on Alex's neck, prodding her, as if wondering how long it would take her to get on his back, and Alex broke away. "Sorry," she murmured to Kara. "Argo's getting antsy."

Kara laughed into her shoulder. "Fine, I guess it's time to face this."

She stole one more kiss from Alex, and then clambered up onto Bayard.

Alex kept glancing over at her as they rode down the hill, her seat so easy, her rapport with Bayard as comfortable as anyone had ever been with him. He'd miss her.

It was easier to think about Bayard missing her than about how much Alex would miss her also.

As they approached the main house a horse thundered out to meet them. It was James on Guardian. "Where the hell have you been?" he shouted as Guardian, not interested in slowing down, raced past them. "You were supposed to be back last night!"

Guardian veered in a circle and raced past them again. "I'll tell them you're on your way," James shouted.

Shit.

The main house was covered in bunting. The yard had been raked. There were bows on all of the horses' stalls.

"They went all out," Alex said softly.

Kara didn't say anything.

Mike was in the stable yard when they rode in, half in a heather grey suit, jacket missing, bow tie undone, pacing up and down, his hair showing signs of frantic hands having rubbed through it. "Alex!" he yelped. "There you are! Where is she?" He looked around, right past Kara on Bayard. "What did you do with her?"

"I'm right here," Kara said, sounding uncomfortable.

Mike looked around, still confused, then stared. "What?" His face looked like he didn't believe it. He squinted, and then gaped. "Kara?" Then he jumped and put his hands over his face. "Oh no. I can't see you! We're getting married today!"

Alex felt choked and guilty. He was so into this. He really did care for Kara, and she'd slept with her. Mike had the prior claim. It had been wrong to pretend that last night didn't matter. He was her  _ boss _ .

"This way." It was Lena, one of Mike's friends, or, well, one of Mike's contemporaries. Alex hadn't been able to figure out why she was always around until she'd realized that she was actually Rhea's friend and just put up with Mike because they'd been at school together.

Lena touched Kara while she was getting off of Bayard and Kara slipped, stumbling and falling on her already bruised knee. She bent over it, and when she rose, shakily--half pulled up by Lena, there were tears on her cheeks.

"How could you?" Mike hissed at her. "She's hurt. You let her ride a  _ horse _ ? And where were you? I thought you'd just go to the North cabin and hide out there for a few days. I left the keys in your box!"

The North cabin was Mike's hook-up pad, very nicely appointed, where he brought girls he didn't want to have to sneak past the all-seeing-eye of his mom. Alex had never actually been inside. "You told me to show her the ranch."

"How much could you show her? She's _ blind! _ "

Alex reacted dramatically enough for Argo to bring his head up and look around. "So that means she should be shut up? Not allowed to do anything?"

"What?" Mike stared at her like she was speaking a foreign language. "No. But, like, horses? And camping? You smell like smoke and horse and dirt, and you made her camp out with you for five nights?"

"She didn't mind."

"She's  _ nice _ ."

Alex glared. "She's not  _ that _ nice. She was pretty clear about when she wasn't happy and clear enough about when she was. She likes horses, she likes camping, she likes herding. She likes your goddamn ranch. Don't get mad at me for doing what you told me to do and not being goddamn psychic. You  _ never told me she was going blind. _ "

Mike went stiff. "Did I have to?"

"It would have been a normal heads-up to give a person!" Alex shook her head. "But I'm glad you didn't. If you'd told me I would have probably been an ass, trying to look out for her, trying to accommodate her. But I didn't. So I let her drive the goddamn truck."

"What?"

"She drove us home from the airport." Alex laughed. "She's totally not legal to drive, but she managed. We survived. I figured if she could drive a truck, riding a horse was not a huge deal."

"You let her drive a  _ truck _ ?"

Mike was staring at her, his face had slowly started to turn red, and Alex was suddenly glad she was up on Argo, because she was pretty sure he would have hit her if she were in reach. "She could have  _ died _ ."

Alex sealed her mouth shut about the calf and the flash flood. Sleeping with Kara was the least of it, wasn't it? Let her.  _ Let her _ . Did she let her go down that ravine and into the floodwaters? No. There wasn't any 'let' about it. Sure, she let Kara ride Bayard, but Bayard was hers to choose riders for. But she couldn't let or not let Kara make her own choices. They were Kara's choices.

"She's fine," Alex said, stiffly. "I didn't  _ let her _ get hurt. But I haven't showered in six days, running after your New York Princess. So if you don't mind, I'd like to stable Argo and Bayard and then get back to my room."

Mike scowled at her. "I was going to tip you for this."

"I don't want your fucking money!" Alex snapped. "She's fine! She had a good time! She loves your goddamn ranch! I might be a fuck up, but I didn't hurt her. I  _ didn't hurt her _ . I wouldn't."

Mike looked startled. "She loves the ranch?"

"Sure does," Alex said. Did she love it enough to marry him? Alex didn't know.

"I never thought she'd love the ranch."

"Yeah, well, I don't know how well you know that girl. But she's worth it." Alex swallowed hard. "She's worth getting to know."

Alex slid off of Argo and led him into his box stall, and began untacking. James emerged from the woodwork, taking Bayard into his stall, and untacking him. He was moving very silently, the big guy clearly not wanting to get in the middle of whatever was going down between Mike and Alex.

Mike nodded finally and tugged at his too tight collar. He sighed. "She is, isn't she? She's . . . amazing."

Alex sighed, and swung Argo's saddle up onto the stall gate. "Sure is."

Mike left and Alex ran into James in the tack room. "I'll give it all an oil and a rub down," he said.

"Thanks," Alex said. "Got caught in the storm overnight. It's all pretty rough."

James nodded, his lips quirking up slightly. "You and Kara got on pretty well, didn't you?"

Alex shrugged.

"I'm sorry, 'Lex," James said.

Alex paused at in the doorway. "What for?"

James shrugged. "For whatever that hickey just above your collar means, when the girl is getting married today."

Alex slapped her hand over her neck. "What? What hickey?"

James snorted. "Even if you hadn't had a red mark the size of China that reaction would have given you away. Friendly warning, don't try and sneak around behind his back. You are not cut out for subterfuge."

Alex glared at him. "We wouldn't," she said. "She wouldn't. She's not like that."

James gave her a gentle grin. "Then I really am sorry."

#

"You are  _ filthy _ ," said the person who had said, "I'm Lena, you're late," after half dragging Kara out of the stable yard and into an unfamiliar suite in the main house. "Won't you be pleased to get out of those clothes and back to civilization."

"Who are you again?" Kara asked. Everything was overwhelming, half falling as she dismounted from Bayard, the grip on her arm, Mike not recognizing her because she hadn't washed her hair in a week, and Alex,  _ AlexAlexAlex _ , her stupid brain kept shouting at her.  _ Don't go. Keep her. Figure it out. _ but she couldn't figure it out, and it would be just as stupid to risk everything, change everything, for Alex as it had been for Mike. She was always charging in without enough information. She made too many mistakes.

"Oh, I'm sorry. You must be so confused. I could  _ never _ manage like you do."

The words hit like a brick.

Goddammit. Six days on the range with Alex had let her drop her defenses. She hadn’t been ready to deal with this again, people treating her like she was a child, needing looking after, deserving of praise for living her goddamn life.

Kara straightened, going stiff and hard, feeling the carapace she’d built for public appearances closing around her. She could tell Lena was reaching out for a handshake. Kara didn't meet it. She kept her hands far back at her sides, drawing back even further when Lena got near. Lena’s hand made it almost all the way to her side, but she thought better of it and pulled her hand back. Kara smiled tightly. "I'm not confused. I just haven't met you before. Who are you? How do you know the Garlands?"

"I went to school with Mike. I stop by for tea with Rhea frequently. I’m an old family friend," Lena said, sounding a little unsettled.

"A pleasure to meet you," Kara said, not meaning it, and making that clear in her tone.

"Mike doesn't have a lot of girlfriends that he hasn't, well, soiled the pond with--so to speak--so he asked me to take care of getting you ready for the big event.” Lena seemed to have regained her poise. “I  _ was _ here last night, but then you didn't show up."

"I felt like camping one more night," Kara said, simply.

Lena made a noise of performative disbelief. "Well, you must manage very well, to enjoy  _ camping _ ."

Kara pinched her lips together. Lena was clearly someone who would hate camping. Couldn't she just say, ‘I can't believe anyone enjoys camping,’ rather than having to make  _ everything _ about her judgment of Kara’s capabilities?

"Can you handle a shower, or should I run a bath for you?" Lena asked, ever so sweet.

"I can  _ handle _ a shower,” Kara snapped. “Just show me how to turn it on like you would with anyone who hadn't used that goddamn shower before, okay?"

Lena huffed. "Well, I'm sorry if I offended you."

Kara wanted to scream. 'I'm sorry if I offended you' always really meant, ‘you people, taking offense at everything.’ 'If' I offended you, they said, as if they could ask an objective viewer and they could deem Kara's reaction as unwarranted and therefore non-existent. "I am not  _ offended _ , I'm just  _ tired _ . And I need to talk to Mike."

For a moment, Lena didn’t say anything. Then she did.

"Not before the wedding." Her tone was coy and teasing. "We've got to get you all dolled up--so he remembers why he asks you to marry him in the first place."

"No. I need to talk to him  _ now _ ."

"You can't," Lena said flatly.

"I have to."

"You  _ can't _ ." Lena's voice was suddenly dark. It felt like a chasm opening up and letting out what had always been hidden underneath. All of that faux politeness and needling tiny insults had been a veneer on  _ this.  _ On actual hate? "It doesn’t matter if you’ve been having cold feet. You’re getting married today. The guests are here, Rhea has spent  _ thousands _ , and if you turn out to be a  _ fickle little brat _ , you had better watch yourself. I look out for my friends. And you're not one of them."

Kara swallowed. What the absolute  _ fuck? _

"Fine," she said. "I'll talk to him after the wedding. It's not cold feet. Just . . . something I have to tell him."

"About how you banged his ranch manager?"

Kara went stiff. Her stomach dropped out. "What?"

"You stink of her. And as if the hoover mark you left on her neck wasn't obvious. Honestly, I'm a little impressed. No one's got up in there for  _ years.  _ But I of course playing up to her hero complex got those ratty old jeans down." Lena patted Kara’s cheek. "To be honest, I thought you would be the pure kind of manipulative brat, making Mikey-boy beg and get down on one knee before you spread for him. But it turns out you're the opposite. I can see how Mike would respond to that too. And I'm glad you want to start your marriage with the sort of communication that will lead to good things-- Dear Mike, I fucked your ranch manager on the night before our wedding. Don't worry, if you want to fuck all my bridesmaids the night after, I'm open to that. How about we do it all together?"

"I don't have any bridesmaids," Kara said, unable to address everything else wrong with what she’d said. She felt sick.

"Yes, you do." Lena patted her shoulder. "I arranged them. They've all slept with Mike before too, so they're probably pretty pissed at you. I'm sure they'll forgive you though if it turns out you're not taking him off the market."

Lena's words itched on her skin.  _ Fucked your ranch manager _ .  _ Playing up to her hero complex _ . It wasn't like that, it  _ wasn't _ , but everyone would think that. 

The threat was clear. If Kara didn’t do what Lena wanted, she’d tell Mike, tell everyone, in the worst possible way.  _ Having a reputation as the city slut would still be better than helpless blind girl, _ her mind said. But it was Alex who was vulnerable. Alex would lose her job, her life on the ranch, all of the animals and people she loved.

She’d do what she had to to protect Alex.

Kara crossed her arms over her chest, facing away from Lena. "Please take me to where the shower is."

In the shower, she let the tears fall down her face mixed with the hot water.

This couldn’t end well. This couldn’t end any way but terribly. Someone was going to get hurt,  _ everyone _ was going to get hurt.

She should never have come here.

#

 


	10. Chapter 10

Out of the shower, Alex just wanted to hide in her bunk forever. She couldn't go to the _wedding._ There was no way she could watch Kara marry Mike. And if Kara didn't . . .  


If Kara didn't go through with it, Alex still needed to stay out of the way. Being too near, there was no way she'd be able to hide just how upset she was, how much this affected her. She didn't need to be in the splash zone when Mike had a tantrum. She didn't need to be the bitch who stole his girl. She hadn't stolen Kara anyway. If Kara didn't marry him, she'd leave. And she wouldn't come back.

She didn't want to watch Kara leave.

Alex didn't dress for the wedding, just pulled on a clean pair of soft jeans and a fresh shirt, combing and shaking out her hair so it would dry in waves, now that she needed to buy a new hat. She took some time rubbing saddlesoap and then oil into her boots, keeping them waterproof, even though they were scuffed and worn.

And then she headed out. Town sounded good. A bar sounded good.

This was why she didn't like being around people. Being with people meant she cared, and if she cared she got hurt, and if she got hurt she didn't know how to cope. At least walking would slow her down. By the time she made it there she might have walked off the urge to drink. The old ranch manager had taught her that trick. And that meant if she did drink she wouldn't try to drive herself home and end up in a ditch.

At the gate, however, she was stopped by the presence of a car--a big black suburban SUV, with someone leaning on the horn, a window down and yelling coming from inside.

"Astra! Clearly their doorman is missing!"

"Is this even the right ranch?"

"Perhaps we should go out and open the gate ourselves?"

Alex frowned. She shouldn’t get involved. She  _ knew _ she shouldn’t get involved. But  _ Astra _ .

Alex went up to the open window and peeped inside. Two women, who might have looked exactly alike if they hadn't been dressed entirely differently were inside yelling at each other, accompanied by a rather nervous looking man.

"Excuse me?" Alex said. "Here for the wedding?"

There was a silence. "To stop the wedding," said the woman at the wheel, who was wearing shades and a blazer and knee-high heeled leather boots. Alex stared.

"You're Astra, aren't you?" Alex asked.

The woman tipped her sunglasses down. "Who's asking?"

"And you must be Kara's mom and dad," Alex said, sticking her hand into her hair, wildly uncomfortable with this situation. "I'm-- I'm Alex. I'm the ranch manager here. Kara . . ." How to put any of this? "Kara and I got to be friendly in the last few days. I could take you up to find her, if you want."

Kara's mom was looking at her, with an incisive sort of stare that made Alex quake in her boots. "You're friendly with Kara," she said, doubt thick in her tone, as she gave Alex's outfit a once-over. " _ Friendly _ . But you're not going to the wedding."

What in hell did she mean by that? Alex really hoped there wasn't another meaning of friendly she was missing.

Kara's mom looked at her sister, who looked back, then nodded. "Get in," Astra said, thrusting the door nearest Alex open. "This cavalry needs all the dragoons it can get."

Alex had not intended to  _ join a cavalry _ . But disobeying these women sounded like she'd end up being shot for desertion whatever she did, so she slid in, next to the anxious looking man. "Hi," Alex said to him. "Mr. Zor-El?"

"Call me Dan," he said and offered Alex his hand.

Alex typed in the code on the gate and it swung open, and Astra--who drove like Kara, and the fact that she apparently had full vision did not make it any more pleasant--sped up the drive to the main house and pulled up in a spray of dirt.

When everyone got out, it became clear that Kara's mom was as imposing as her aunt, in her thigh length wool coat and incredibly expensive ultra fashionable skirt and blouse. The jewelry was just enough to make it clear she wasn't playing around, very likely more expensive for its subtlety.

At least her dad seemed nice.

"Alex," Astra said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders that was like an iron bar. "Lovely to meet you. Would, perhaps, I know about you, if my beloved niece hadn't fled the city of her birth and gone off the grid for six days?"

"I . . . don't know? We went camping."

" _ Camping _ ?" That was from Kara's mom, which gave her whiplash. " _ Kara _ went camping?"

"Kara's been camping before," Astra said, sounding annoyed at her sister. "The real question is who went camping. You, Kara, and the farm boy?"

Hearing Mike described as 'the farm boy' nearly made Alex snort. "No, ma'am. Just me and Kara. Mike wanted me to keep her away from the main house in case you all showed up."

" _ Interesting _ ," Astra said. Alex was very certain she was looking at her neck. She'd picked her highest collar shirt. Goddamn Kara and her teeth.

"You were meant to keep her away from us, and now you're bringing us to her?" Kara's mom said. It wasn't really a question. It felt more like a summation for the jury.

"It's your daughter's wedding," Alex said, helpless in the face of this interrogation.

"You have a point," Kara's mom responded dryly.

"Look," Alex said. She'd had enough of this. These people were way too intense, and if they thought they could just show up and have things go their own way, they underestimated their own kid. And they didn't have to make this about Alex either, all she was doing was being  _ polite _ . "I'm not trying to mess with things. Kara can make her own choices, and if you don't think she can, you don't know her. But I'm pretty sure she'd want you there, even if it's not a choice you agree with. And, well, if she changes her mind, she might be glad to have a getaway car."

Astra grinned widely. "My one goal in life is to be my niece's getaway car."

Her sister sighed. "And I suppose I must get you both out of jail."

"I feel like it's more likely to be embarrassment rather than legal action," Alex protested. She'd probably said too much already. But these people were clearly itching for a fight, and it looked like they were planning to descend on Kara. Other options might delay the opening volley at least. "But Rhea's a rumored mariticide, so you might want to watch out there."

"Rhea?" Kara's mom asked. "The young man's mother?" She sighed, not needing confirmation.

"Well, isn't this getting more and more entertaining," Astra said.

Alex was pretty sure that whatever happened, if she showed up with the whole Zor-El clan, she was not going to survive with her job. She almost cried with relief when outside the converted mess hall she spotted Kara, all blow-dried and curled, in a white dress and make up, looking like a picture, and not like the girl she knew at all.

She was prettier in a flannel shirt and dirty hair with mud on her nose.

Especially when she hadn't been wearing pants.

It hurt to look at her this way. It hurt to look at her at all, knowing she'd gotten all dressed up to marry Mike. But she definitely needed to give Kara a heads-up before she let her family descend on her.

Lena was at her side, moving back and forth from the door, looking slinky and like some kind of ultra formal secret service agent. She moved away to peek into the hall, and Alex took her chance.

"Kar!" Alex plunged forward, touching her forearm. Kara grabbed hers back with a grip so hard it would bruise. "You've got more guests," she said, unsure of how much she should say.

Lena spun and appeared in a flash at Kara's side, glaring at Alex with a both knowing and threatening gaze, so harsh it felt like sandpaper. Behind Kara was gathered a gaggle of girls in periwinkle blue, all of them faintly familiar, but not so well known as Lena. Bridesmaids?

The wedding was this huge event. It felt like it was on rails. No matter how dramatic the Zor-El family was, could they stop it?

Kara went alert, her attention focusing on the crowd Alex had introduced. Her whole posture changed. "Mom?" her voice was shaky.

"Baby," Kara's mom sounded choked up. She reached her daughter and clasped her shoulders. "You left a  _ note _ . You didn't return my calls. If you're really serious about this, we should have  _ talked _ ."

Telling strains of music from the inside of the converted mess hall indicated Kara's presence was required.

"We don't have time for this," Lena snapped. "If you had wanted a tête-à-tête with your daughter you should have arrived earlier. You and your daughter  _ both _ should have arrived earlier."

"We have been calling this goddamn ranch every day," Astra snapped. "We could sue you for kidnapping."

"She was here of her own free will."

"She was," Alex said. Kara's face was tangled and strange. It took everything she had to not wrap her arms around her and hold on tight. "But is she here  _ now _ of it?"

There was a moment of silence as everyone looked at Kara, whose throat flexed anxiously. "I don't-- I don't want to spoil things, or be trouble."

"Then get a move on," Lena snapped.

"But I'm not marrying Mike."

#


	11. Chapter 11

Kara hadn't known what she would do until she heard her mom's voice. Lena was so pushy, and the guilt was too big to get a grip on. Her dad had been very serious at teaching her about contractual obligations when she was young--Cat Grant had liked that about her, because it meant that what she promised, she would deliver--and one thing he had taught her about was good faith. If you made a contract with someone, you bargained in good faith. If you were open to auction, you said that. If you had an exclusive opportunity, you said so clearly. Kara had given Mike an exclusive contract, and had let unconfirmed bids from other agents influence her decision. Sometimes you made a bad deal, that didn't mean you weren't bound by the contract. Marrying Mike wasn't what she wanted, but pulling out now, when the other party had already invested in it, when pulling out would leave Alex vulnerable to retaliation . . .

Her dad would carefully explain what was appropriate behavior, but her mom was different. Her mom would ask her what was  _ right. _

Alura had taught her daughter that if you did something wrong, hiding it wouldn't make it go away. It was better to own up and take your lumps, because even if you weren't forgiven, by acting honorably, you could forgive yourself.

Her mom's voice was a reminder of what she was supposed to do.

"What's going on here?" It was Mike's voice, followed by the sharp click of heels. Rhea, Kara guessed. "Why didn't you come in when they started playing the march?"

He sounded so earnest and nervous. Alex dropped her arm, stepping back, out of Kara's sphere of contact, and Mike took her other hand, tugging at it worriedly. "Aren't you coming?" he asked.

His pathos hit like a hammer to the gut. He did love her, and she didn't want to hurt him. She was the one who'd fucked up. She was the one who'd plunged into this because she was unhappy, and then hadn't even felt enough loyalty to him to refrain from falling for someone else while they were engaged. She'd been so worried about whether or not he was good enough for her, what she really wanted, that she hadn't thought about whether she was good enough for him.

"Mike . . ." Kara tried to put her hand in her hair but it had been aqua-netted within an inch of its life and was too sticky. "No," she said. "I'm not coming. I'm so sorry, Mike, but this was the wrong decision, and I can't go through with it."

Mike didn't speak for a moment. "What?" he said finally. "What was so wrong about it? I mean, I know country living isn't everyone's jam. But we don't have to live here. I own apartments in four cities."

" _ Own apartments _ ?" It was choked and quiet, but it was Alex.

It was Alex being crushed about how much she had to fight for money to run the ranch, when Mike had whatever he wanted. It stiffened Kara's resolve.

"No, Mike, it's not the ranch, I love the ranch. And it's not even you. You've been really good to me. But I can't--" She swallowed hard, trying to choose the words. "--I can't choose you. I can't promise that I am going to keep choosing you, and eventually fall in love with you. I could try, I know I could. But I don't want to try that hard."

"What?" He sounded like he was smiling, like he was sure it was a joke. "You don't have to  _ try _ . We're in love. We're in  _ love _ . I've never felt like this about anyone. You can't--  _ not feel the same. _ "

"I just . . .don't."

His grip on her arm went slack, and then he threw her arm down, shoving it with unexpected force. "Do you really expect to get someone better?" He sounded high-pitched and hysterical. "I mean, it took me a  _ lot _ to get over your problems, but I did! You think someone else is going to put in that much effort?"

"Jesus, Mike!" Alex snapped. "You think she's not fighting people off with a stick? Not everyone has to  _ get over _ her vision loss. Maybe the fact that you thought the big fucking crisis there was about  _ you  _ is one of the reasons you're not God's gift to women--"

"Alex,  _ don't _ ." Kara didn't need to be defended. She didn't want to be defended. She would take her lumps herself.

"Sorry." Alex dropped it. But it was too late.

"Wait," said Mike. His voice had dropped into suspicion, an edge coming into it. "Did you make a move on my girl?"

"Mike--" Alex's voice was firm, but gentle, like she was convincing a horse to walk backwards out of trouble.

A horse would have listened to her.

"You made a move on my girl!"

"No!" Kara snapped. "It was me. I went after her. Okay? I was engaged to you, and I went after her, which made it pretty goddamn clear to me that maybe I wasn't all that serious about you in the first place. Maybe you deserve better than someone who's just using you as an escape."

"You can't be using me!" Mike yelled. "I was using you! You think I'd be into a girl like you? I just wanted you for your trust fund, okay? And that's the only reason anyone would ever want you."

His shrillness hid hurt. It was a defense. Kara  _ knew _ it was a defense. It still burned. "Fuck you," Kara snapped.

"And you,  _ Alex Girl-thief Danvers, _ " Mike yelled. "You are so fucking fired."

Shit.

"Mike--" Kara said, trying to figure out how to plead for this. "Don't take this out on Alex."

"Of  _ course _ I'm taking this out on Alex. I'm not going to pay someone who shagged my fiancée on the night before my wedding!"

"It wasn't her fault--"

"Kara," Alex caught the back of her arm. "Takes two to tango, right? It's okay. I was going to move on from here eventually."

"But I don't--" Kara wiped the back of her hand over her stinging eyes. This was the worst of all options. "--I didn't want to hurt you too. I hurt so many people already."

"You didn't." Alex's voice gentled, affectionate, like she was with her favorite cows.

"But you have so much here. This is your safe place."

"I'm stronger now. I can build a new one."

"You shouldn't have to. Not because of me. I didn't want to make things  _ worse _ ."

Alex moved in, cupping the backs of her arms. "You didn't; you couldn't," she murmured into Kara's ear. "You made things better, always better, because I got to spend time with you."

It hit like a mace to her chest. The knowledge was so heavy it nearly bowled her over. It was stupid, she'd already made too many impulsive decisions, but couldn't deny it anymore, couldn't hold it back. "I want to choose you," she said, her voice cracking. "I want to choose to fall in love with you."

#

"Kar--" The word stumbled like a foal out of Alex's mouth, and then she stopped, but she didn't let go of Kara's arms. This wasn't-- this wasn't one of the possible outcomes. Kara couldn't choose her.

"I will sue you for breach of promise," said Rhea, flatly. "And you have a no-material-damages clause in your contract,  _ Alexandra _ . You won't work in this state again once they know that you ruined the Double-Bar Daxam."

Alex couldn't even process her threat, not with Kara so close, her expression so desperately serious. Serious about  _ Alex _ .

"No one sues for breach of promise anymore," Kara's mom snapped. "They would laugh you out of court."

"Maybe not in New York, but it's still a valid legal action in Oregon. You don't know what I spent on this wedding, on the assumption that the assets your daughter was bringing to this marriage would get this ranch out of debt."

"Making poor investment decisions based on the whims of a child is your own fault."

"I'm sure your New York friends would love to read an article about how your precious daughter is being sued for breach of promise when she decided to give up on a young, handsome, upstanding man who loves her for a roll in the hay with an alcoholic cowgirl with a record."

"If you want to play games in the media, you had better watch yourself--"

Alex let her forehead rest against Kara's. "I'd love that," she said softly. "I just don't have anything to offer you."

Kara's fingers brushed across her face. Her thumb ran across her cheek. "Choose me too?"

Faintly, Alex thought she ought to be embarrassed about this, ought to be seeing it from the perspective of 'this girl is in her  _ wedding _ dress,' she's got no place asking me to love her. But none of it seemed to matter. The world beyond Kara, the warmth of her touch, the nearness of her, it was only half there. What was there was the sheer joy of being around her. That didn't make sense either, just how much being with her made Alex's chest ache and feel light and winged all at once.

Nothing made sense, the logistics didn't work. This couldn't  _ happen _ . Alex shouldn't want it to happen. Letting someone in was dangerous. She hadn't wanted to let anyone in since her dad had died. But it was too late. Kara had already gotten inside. Alex wanted to keep her. "Always."

"'Lura." It was Astra, cutting in to the sparring match between Kara's mom and Rhea. "May I make a proposal to you?"

There was whispering, and some discussion. Kara's hands wrapped around Alex's waist, and Alex tugged her a little closer.

"Wait," Mike said helplessly. "You prefer  _ Alex _ to  _ me _ ?"

Kara traced her thumb over Alex's lips, then placed the smallest of kisses on the corner of Alex's mouth. Alex tilted her head to catch Kara's hand and kiss her fingertips.

Kara laughed and cupped her ear. She tugged her in, but paused a breath away. Alex closed the distance, something bubbly in her chest, kissing her quickly, too quick for Kara to kiss her back, light and playful. Kara made an offended sound, caught Alex's head in both hands, and kissed her firmly. Alex sank into it, coming undone with a sigh like the knots on greased ropes. The kiss deepened.

Lena scoffed loudly, but there was a catch in her voice that sounded sincerely upset.

The whispering stopped.

"My sister has made a good suggestion," Kara's mom said. "What if we bought your ranch?"

Alex wasn't paying attention, too absorbed in Kara, but that went right into her ear through her chest and to her gut. She broke the kiss. "What?"

Rhea and Alura were facing each other down with equally intense expressions of negotiation on their faces. "You are offering to buy the ranch?"

"Full price, based on the word of an independent valuer. If that's not enough to cover the debt, that's not my problem."

"I don't know, property is property."

"Then what do you feel about a trade? We have an apartment building in San Francisco that we've been looking for a buyer for. We take the ranch. You take the apartment building and do what you want with it. You turn around and sell it, you'll get 100k easy."

"Cover the costs of the wedding."

"We can do that."

"It's a deal."

"What?" Mike yelped. "You can't sell my ranch!"

" _ My _ ranch," Rhea said. "You and your dilettante ways were eating us. I couldn't lock you out of your father's money, since he left it to you, but now you can have what's left. With the ranch off my back and no longer draining me, I can leave this godforsaken state and marry Lena,  _ finally _ ."

Mike froze, gaping, a look on his face that said his whole world had been turned upside down so many times in the past few minutes that he'd lost all sense of the location of the ground. " _ Lena? _ " He shrieked. "I thought you were trying to set her up with  _ me _ ?"

Rhea put her hands on her hips. "Well, at first, of course. But you showed no interest, and she's perfect. Why wouldn't I take her for myself?"

For the first time ever, Alex thought Lena looked actually human, astonished and pleased. It was like seeing a snake with Disney eyes--highly unnerving.

"And don't expect any financial help from us. We're planning on having lots of tiny dogs. No more ungrateful spendthrift children. It's time for you to get a job. It shouldn't be  _ hard _ . Your father's friends are happy to indulge in nepotism."

Mike looked absolutely blindsided. If Alex hadn't been pretty sure she looked just as shocked, she would have laughed at him. But Kara's arm was looped around her waist, holding her firmly to her side, and Alex never been so surprised by anything in her life.

"You're buying the ranch?" Kara asked, sounding as bewildered as Alex felt.

"Yes," Alura said. "And then, as a present for being smart enough to not get married, I am going to give you and your cowgirl a thirty percent stake in it, each. As long as you two are getting along and working together, you'll have a majority and overrule me. But if you fight or disagree, I have the majority share. If either of you want out, you can sell your shares to me, no questions asked. If you last five years and decide to stay partners for the long haul, you'll get the rest of the stake as a present."

"Wait!" Alex said. "Why would you give me part of the ranch?"

"Because," Astra drawled. "You're not  _ farm boy. _ And also, if we just gave it to Kara, you'd be her employee, and she shouldn't be in a position to sexually harass you. We know about her tendencies to harass people."

"Aunt Astra!" Kara exclaimed. "I've never harassed anyone in my life!"

"I think you'd harass this one though. She seems very harassable. Tempting. I like her chin." Astra poked at Alex's chin. Alex did not know what to do so did not move.

"Aunt Astra!" Kara protested. "I'm so sorry about my family, Alex."

"It's all right," Alex said, still not processing what was going on. She thought she might like the Zor-El family. You just had to sort of let go of any sense that you were on top of things with them. "I'm just hoping we make it work long enough for your family to go out to dinner with my mom."

Kara tangled her fingers into Alex's."I think we will."

It was naive and hopeful in a way Alex never was, but she leaned into Kara’s shoulder and said it anyway, because she felt it. "I think we will too."

#

**Epilogue**

One year later:

Dr. Eliza Danvers was very surprised when her daughter Alex called her and said she was now part owner of the ranch she'd been working at, and--this part she said very reluctantly--had a girlfriend.

"Don't make a thing about it mom, it's not a big deal. We're still working it out. We tried to take it slow while we were getting used to being business partners. Kara's just . . . really great."

"Take it slow?" Eliza asked. "Does that mean she's eaten your cooking?"

" _ Mom. _ "

"I take that as a yes. And you're still together? When is the wedding?"

" _ Mom! _ " Alex grumbled over the phone. "She likes my cooking."

"Soulmates."

"You're the  _ worst _ . Can you just be normally weird about your gay daughter asking you to come to her place for the winter holidays and meet her girlfriend?"

"I don't know what that kind of normally weird is," Eliza said, amused. "But I'd love to come."

She hadn't expected that she'd be meeting the girlfriend's family as well as the girlfriend. But she'd arrived at the ranch, typing in the code and driving up to the main house, parking outside, and the door was opened by a woman in a leather jacket with a wild white streak in her hair and a suspicious look in her eyes.

"Oh," she'd said. "Alex's mom." She gave Eliza a once-over that felt either threatening or inappropriate. "I like Alex. You must have not failed completely."

"I like Alex also," Eliza said. "But I'm pretty certain that all her successes are down to her."

The woman had smiled like she passed a test.

Then it turned out there were two of these women, each as intimidating as the last. Eliza could show-down with anyone, and wasn't bothered, though she was certain Alex thought it was a nice distraction from having Eliza focus on her.

The truth was, though, that Eliza didn't feel like she had a lot to be concerned about with Alex anymore. She'd settled into her ranch life. She had ties now, making her less peripatetic and likely to disappear. Eliza had her girlfriend's phone number now too, so she had another way to check up on her. And she liked her girlfriend. She liked seeing Alex casually reach out and touch someone, have someone to put her feet on on the couch, argue over everyday things with someone.

Kara was adorable and exasperated with her family, and as she debated with them, Eliza stood by Alex, who was watching her with a concerned look on her face, and put her hand on her daughter's arm. "I think she can handle them."

Alex turned toward her, surprised, and then laughed. "Yeah, she can."

"I like her," Eliza said. What she didn't say was what she really thought, which was that seeing Alex absolutely smitten with someone who seemed just as smitten back was a delight.

She crossed her fingers that it would work out. She was still hoping for grandchildren.

And no, the cow didn't count.

###

 


End file.
